when the sun comes up, you will realize you were wrong..

- When you are in a relationship... You're mouth is not allowed on other people.. unless its to resuscitate them.

- Every dude wants the answer to the question "Did you just swallow it?" to be "Yeah, what else was I gonna do with it?"

- If you have to BEG a girl to come over, You're trying too hard dude.

- Here is a dudes equation to getting a girl to sleep with them, or at least get some sort of action

Make out sesh: 10 seconds

Boobie fondle: 10 seconds

Vaginal rub: If she's enjoying it, green light.

First off, this isn't fucking science alright. I have a body here... with feelings... I realize that these steps have to go in this order because it would be just weird if a guy came up to me and was just randomly fondling my tits... but it is literally the same fucking thing every time. You can't just play with me like I'm some sort of toy you gotta piece together. Alright? I come with instructions... read them first.

- By the same token, If you have a girl begging to come over... you're doing it right dude.

- Some people don't like hearing that they are big pieces of shit, but that's what you get for being a big piece of shit.

- Cheaters are not tolerated here, they just aren't.

- Some people hate change so much they will cancel their gym membership.

- Learn to get really good at giving people a taste of their own medicine with out coming off as a bitch while doing it.

-  What possesses people to publicly talk about their decision to have an on and off relationship with their anti-depressants?

- I think I'm not getting through to my friends about what type of dude I like cause every time they say "I know the perfect guy for you" I'm usually really confused.

- 2 months is entirely too long to wait to shave.

- Here is how hateful people are in Miami. I witnessed a professional bicyclist fall off their bike at a red light (why? I don't know) and when they fell the light turned green and the SUV behind them honked their horn...

- "No but seriously, korn helped me get through some legit rough patches"

- Question: If I like vintage porn does that make me a hipster?

- Internet Explore is desperate... they tried using a dubstep track in their campaign commercial... No Microsoft.... just no.

- If you really think about it guys, if AOL tried pulling that shit you think people would starting using it again?

- Thank you AMC

- I am strangely turned on by oddly shaped penises.. I'm not saying your average penis isn't good enough, I'm just simply stating a personal fact.

- Okay really, seriously ask yourself this...

What if Jesus was someone from the future?

Mind fuck.

- It's bad some of the images that flash in my head when someone does something stupid.

- I spent a good deal of my childhood trying to attract boys by being into legos, baseball and being really involved in goose bumps. I know that sounds like I should be someone interesting but... I'm kind of boring... and if I'M kind of boring... imagine the rest of the vagina out there...

- Hey my name is Emily and I don't want your boyfriend.

- Sometimes, at random relevant times of my day, I will hear obi wan kenobi in my head. I know its just cause I've seen a new hope like a million times but there is also a part of me that just thinks its the force inside me... and yes... it is strong.

- You never want to delete your proof. Even though it's hard to wait to catch someone in a lie, if you can hold out till you have perfect, solid proof your validation will be that much sweeter thus leaving you victorious.

- You also never want to have that one open door that a professional liar can open. Most professional liars can talk their way out of anything, and make it seem like you were the one that fucked up some how. Cover all bases people. Cause professional liars are out there, and you will almost never find them out if you aren't smart enough.

- When did I start following Jay-Z on twitter?

- I don't think I've ever once been to a movie theater that didn't have at least one loud obnoxious dick.

- Question: how is Nicolas cage still making movies?

- I don't think losing someone that clearly isn't worth another second of your time isn't the worst thing that could ever happen to you

- Everyone comes with a 6th sense. Some are more in tuned with it than others. This is that hair raising feeling you get that something isn't right. Never, Ignore that.

- There is a "self portrait" picture limit that I don't think anyone knows about. It's in the rule book of posting pictures. Your limit is a max of 3 photos a day. If you post more than that you are just a moron and need to start being a little more productive with your time.

- This is of course its because you are showing off some new item or piece of clothing.

- My accurate critique on the new movie "silent house"?

Cinematography was orgasmic. Not for most people who don't understand the use of dept of field.

Question, if it sounded like your dad fell down a flight of stairs would you hesitate for about 15 minutes? Yeah... I didn't think so...  I know it would be boring as fuck but imagine a horror movie that did everything right...

- I wonder what people think when they hear someone say "I don't have a tumblr cause its too trendy" cause I'm thinking "Doesn't that kind of make you trendy for not having one?"

- Also, next time you find yourself bored as shit on all the "trendy" websites take it home and check your local Craigslist ads, you will NOT be disappointed...

 

 

 

Yeah.... these people are out there... scary right? 

Anonymous


Any tips/advice for getting over a failed relationship, which was pretty doomed from day one?! Together for 3 months then broke up and became on and off for the remaining 6 months.Says he was "in love" with me but actions showed otherwise. Ended very bad

A lot of times what people miss, even though the relationship was a shitty one, is just the simpleness of having someone around to talk to and care about. Some people need this so much that they will put up with a terrible relationship if it means they will have something to occupy their time. Advice for getting over it would be to start doing things to get your mind off of them.

 When you break up with someone, there really is no need to continue seeing/talking to them. Unless they realize the mistake they made and change. Other than that I always tell my ex's "I'm here if you need someone to talk to or need help" but I never make an attempt at conversation again.

A lot of dudes like having relationships that don't have any strings attached which means he can do anything he wants with out there being any repercussions. If you are able to set yourself apart from having deep feelings for this person then the "on and off" thing can happen.

Forget what he told you because it either was a lie, or his view on "love" is just very different from yours. No one is worth feeling hurt over unless its someone that died. When things don't work out for me I try to occupy my time by seeing friends, going to the movies or even sleeping more often. 

Do you have a question that needs to be answered? Go ahead and formspring me

KONY 2012 from INVISIBLE CHILDREN on Vimeo.

For a while now I have actually seen "Invisible children" vans here in Miami and when I would search online to see what they were about there really wasn't much information. My buddy solehiphop recently posted about KONY2012 and because I read everything he talks about I had to check it out.


I have goosebumps about this guys, this is amazing the strategy behind this movement, and how many people behind it. PLEASE watch this video, and go to their website and pledge. Buy the posters and if you can buy the kony action kit.

I'll see you in April, we WILL end this.

- Mondays are general "fuck up" days.

- Don't rush some one when what ever their doing requires concentration. I don't rush you, so don't rush me okay?

- Question: When did it become cool to openly talk about how your a cuter? Is this another trend like triangle tattoos?

- Also... when dudes utter "Did you cum yet?" or "are you close?" makes me loose any type of sexual feeling and I want to officially get your dick out of me.

- I often wonder if pitbull is as famous in other places as he is here.

- Sometimes I will let an idiot slide with certain mistakes because I just tell myself "he's not smart enough to know better" but if they make the same mistake twice I will point out how completely fucking stupid you are.

These are the Six types of Love:

Eros

a passionate physical and emotional love based on aesthetic enjoyment; stereotype of romantic love

Ludus

a love that is played as a game or sport; conquest; may have multiple partners at once

Storge

an affectionate love that slowly develops from friendship, based on similarity

Pragma

love that is driven by the head, not the heart

Mania

obsessive love; experience great emotional highs and lows; very possessive and often jealous lovers

Agape

selfless altruistic love; spiritual

 

- Dear writers of "the walking dead"

FUCKING FINALLY SOMEONE DIES.

It wasn't exactly who I was hoping for and I know you know who I mean, fucking blonde bitch, but You gave me what I wanted... and I appreciate that.

Sincerely, Emily.

- Woman like passionate sex even if you aren't really serious about each other. You can't ever make sex about you, It has to always be about who you are fucking.

- I am convinced bitter people who do nothing but shit on your happiness were bullied as a child. Some on straight up stole their yo yo

- I think child rapists should be raped in the ass with a giant splintered 2X4 daily while wearing a dress. These are people that make me wonder what in the fuck type of purpose were they supposed to serve. Like what was their reason for being here on this earth?

- Is it bad that I wish all murderers murdered the right people? Like child rapists?

- If I have done nothing but repeat the same sentence or word for the last 15 minutes of our conversation, it means I am no longer interested in talking so you should stop trying to make the conversation more interesting.

- I think everyone was born with a little bit of ADD. I'm convinced that's just a medical term for "I only pay attention when It's something I might be interested in"

- Not down with dudes/girls who continue to shit on their decent relationships. I think you don't deserve them, and I am not afraid to admit that in public and by public I mean by telling your significant other.

 

I don't feel sorry about it, it does nothing for me. 

- If you can't handle the repercussions of your actions than you need to re-think your strategy

- You're a moron if you ignore an email from a girl that says "your boyfriend is cheating on you with me", or something along those lines.  Nobody does that shit cause their jealous, they do that shit cause it's true. 

Why? because no smart girl is going to try and sabotage your already shitty relationship so she can get with someone who cheated on you with them. That's an oxymoron.

- Expect people to be in a shitty mood on Monday just like you would expect people to be in a happy mood on Friday. 

- If you are dating people younger than 22 you should prepare for the drama to follow.

- I could very well write a 500 page book about facebook rules, or dos and donts but I don't care, or want to do that. I will say this. Can you fucking stop it with the cliff hangers?

"Sometimes... it's like I'm holding a gun"

Oh... kay... what? what does that even mean!? WHY?! WHY DO I NEED THIS IN MY STATUS FEED!? GET IT OFF...

- I'm not an insagram pro or anything but can we stop with the posting of pictures that are clearly from your DSLR and NOT your iPhone? 

- Catching people off guard means your interesting and mysterious and people love that shit.

- If you've had sex with more than 5 people, then you are officially more attractive than the average person. This is a true fact I made up.

- No I have not had sex with more than 5 people.

- You will not prove that you are an amazing person by commenting on all of your significant others photo's and status updates. What you will prove is that your insecure as fuck, so stop. 

- Any dude will completely look over any completely fucked up situation if their girlfriend is a "10" I call this the trophy complex. These dudes will say "Yes" to open relationships for the girl only or threesomes with another male. These dudes will Turn their face when their trophy girlfriend is being polished by another dude. Wake up bro, you're better than that. 

- I don't know how it is anywhere else, so I am speaking for the people in Miami Florida. It is a nice thing for a dude to open doors for me. I'm not lazy and I'm not from some sort of royal family. I just like for a dude to treat me like a lady and Its called chivalry. I think a lot of girls don't know that because it is unlikely for a dude to be educated in chivalry. That's not your fault dudes, that's your parents fault. but now you are reading this blog, and now you know... and knowing is half the battle.

- I'll be the first to say I love getting penis pictures but there is a time and place for that. If you JUST started talking to a girl, wait until she asks for it. This type of thing is like giving a serious present too soon. It kind of freaks us out...

- Subsequently I am terrified of only ever being some dudes "play thing" rather than someone that actually matters.

- You know that moment when you think you've found the most perfect parking spot only to find out a fiat or smart car is parked there. It's a lot like almost about to orgasm but then someone switches shit up and completely ruins the moment.

Here is my movie critique on the first sex in the city movie.

Okay, so you are telling me that carrie (the main blonde chick) waited 10 years for this dude to marry her. 10 years of an on and off relationship where he cheated and treated her like shit. and she told this dude "yes" and then she was surprised when he left her at the alter? 

you know crazy religious folk fucking complain about how gory or how dangerous some movies are but look at the fucking subliminal messages these fucking chick flicks are giving.

THEN she finally gets over him... moves on.. seems a bit bitter but fuck it.. shes got her own thing going on but the second he does something "nice" like take a girl to the emergency room when her water broke (fuck even I would do that) she's back in his arms like nothing happened.

a million dollar wedding... down the drain.

10 years... of her life... waiting for this dude to change.

Your telling me a smart journalist from New York is going to take him back?

MAYBE....

someone from the middle of America where the population is like 5 but not some sophisticated educated broad.

The oldest one is the one that surprises me the most. Shes like 60... some odd... thousand years old and still hasn't figured her shit out? by that age you are either married or have 50 cats. 

What shouldeve happened was after the first time this dude left her she shouldeve moved on to someone who wouldn't. Period. Now some blonde toothless woman is thinking "well if it worked for her, then its gotta work for us baby!" :face palm:

- I'm sorry I know that was long but its really all ridiculous

Bad girls do it well

- Never... EVER stick your barbie in the dryer.

- I think if more people were morning people there would be less assholes Monday morning.

- Every girl should masturbate the night before anything. In the morning you always wake up with Rosy cheeks.. and that shit is cute

- "Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes they win"

- If you are interested in someone, you ask questions. If you are NOT interested in someone, you don't.

- I know last post I said no one gives a shit about your past but what I really meant was anyone that cares deeply about you will ask. If they don't, its cause they don't really care to know

- Here is what I don't understand... Zombies apparently are created by being bit right?  So is it directly through saliva only? cause every zombie film I've ever seen all of the main characters are covered in blood (zombie blood) and I know from a medical stand point that you can get infected with some viruses if they come into contact with your eyes, mouth or genitals. So if I get splattered with zombie blood, and it gets in my eyes... I should be infected. I just call a little bullshit in most zombie movies UNLESS it is actually only transmitted with saliva /rant. 

P.s bet I will be the only one wearing goggles and a face mask. Protect yourself.

- If your friend is drinking and they all of a sudden become the complete opposite of who they naturally are, they have officially had too much to drink.

- Every time someone I hate posts a status update about anything I almost instantly have a bridesmaid moment:

- It takes me about 30 minutes to get ready if I am not interrupted by phone calls or texts. So when I hear that it takes girls like an hour and a half to get ready I just wonder how much fake they are putting on. If you take more than 35 minutes to get ready you are not using your time wisely.

- Is it really necessary to put eyelashes on your cars headlights? You look ridiculous. Stop.

- Personally I like passionate sex more then your average fuck. That means you actually have a strong/deep connection with the person you are about to sex. It just feels better when there is something else behind it rather than just 2 people who are attracted to each other, one has a penis and one has a vagina.

- Don't ever let anyone make you feel anything less than perfect.

- Most of the time I will help out the people I hate most because I like to avoid drama. I'm just not in high school anymore

- Speaking of high school and drama, did anyone see last nights walking dead episode? Seriously guys? You are in the middle of a zombie Apocalypse and you are still fighting over pussy! at a school none the less.

- BLOW JOB ADVICE: Next time you are blowing someone use both hands while your mouth is sucking on the tip of his penis. Rotate your hands as you are stroking him. That shit is like master chief status right there. Yes... I just referenced call of duty and blow jobs in one sitting.

- I do realize that not everyone will handle situations the way I do (which is the right way) but my conflicts lies in the fact that I am able to handle it, which means so can you... so whats the problem? srsly.

- You will learn that everything you will ever have in your life becomes obsolete.

- I can't look at hot dude directly in the face. Its like I'm afraid I'm going to turn to stone or some shit.

- Lets not drag me around like I'm some neat accessory Kay?  I like to be important all the time, not just sometimes when you are feeling flashy.

- Dear Florida,

Fuck you.

sincerely, Me.

- I wash my hair everyday, sometimes twice a day and my hair is the fucking bomb. All that bullshit about not to wash your hair too much really relies on your genes and honestly, Dirty hair smells like sweat and... burnt hair which is totally gross.

- This weekend was the first time I ever had to fight with a gay dude on who could talk to nerdy guys better. It was very entertaining.

- If you're a dude, the only thing you should worry about shaving is your crotch. None of this legs and arms shit okay? I do that, not you. and if you absolutely must, I GUESS you can shave your face. 

- I had way too much caffeine this morning that at one point I felt like I had super speed. All I could think is "Wow... so this is what a super hero feels like"

- There is NOTHING more sexy than a dude taking care of a baby. It ironically enough makes me horny. Which I should feel gross about... but I don't.

- When a girl is texting someone while you are talking to her.. shes just not interested dude. Typical "get the fuck away from me" move.

- I stutter when I'm nervous, its like I involuntarily become a toddler that doesn't know how to speak correctly.

- People who think that perfectly natural/normal things are gross piss me off. Get off it dude, so I drool in my sleep sometimes... I just so happen to think that's cute...

- Ever notice when someone hits your car the first thing you think is "Did someone just hit me?" its like, fucking duh, what else would have done that? a rocket? Some lady hit me in a parking lot once and when it happened, no joke I though for a split second that a T-rex nudged  my car. Yeah...

- I don't know about you but the last thing I want is to ruin someones day. I think other people should feel the same.. I know you don't but I'm just saying you should.. cause that's a nice gesture and nice gestures get you places.

- I spend most of my time in the shower reenacting things I should've/will say in fights with people I hate. It's very hateful showering process. I also do math on my shower doors. So it's actually like a hateful mathematical shower. 

- A client came in today and told me a story about her daughter. I just wanted to share it with you.

"My daughter is about a year and a half and shes been getting into everything. Recently I walked into her room to find her covered in this brown stuff. I was all over her face. "What happened baby?" I asked her. She replied with "I show you mommy" So she took my hand and took me to my room. There was this brown dusk all over the floor. "What the heck happened?" I asked her. She looked at me and said "Mommy I show you" she took me to my side of the bed and there was my father urn on the floor opened. Then I realized my daughter ate part of my father, she ate his ashes."

- I just want to let this out. Stop asking people to repost shit on facebook. Facebook has become the garbage disposal of everyone's shit.

- Or when they post some 5 paragraph essay on something no one agrees with, and then gets pissed when people comment?

Good tunes

- Sometimes I think I am just waiting for someone to give me a reason to leave.

- "You're not gonna get anywhere with a mouth like that"

Yes I will... 

- "I see a dude with nice arms and I almost instantly want to fuck him." point being that not all girls look for a cute dudes... some girls just look for cute body parts and that shit is legit. 

- You want something? you can't expect people to figure that out if you don't say anything. Go get it dude. You deserve at least that much. 

- I had a 47 year old woman tell me today "I've accomplished nothing in my life but marry the man of my dreams" She said it like it was a bad thing. I told her "Some people will never get to have that, ever."

Happy birthday Heather!

Heather Hannon's birthday party was last night. She is the most selfless person I have ever met! These are the pictures from her party!