I'm back with a sense of vengence

- Time will reveal a lot of things so stop being so fucking impatient all the time. 

- If a girl cheats on you twice... shame on you... and only you. Seriously dude... get a back bone... no vagina is worth that. 

- I am all for individuality but there has to be a cut off. I'll still think you're cool with out the green Mohawk. At what point do people think "this is going to make me seem interesting" first of all green is a horrible color. Green reminds me of throw up. Channel your individuality to something better. 

While we are on the subject of choosing a more suitable "cover" can we please pick things that are actually built for our bodies? Your tits are too fucking big for that shirt. 

- Sometimes it doesn't matter how old you are... you can still act like a little fucking brat. 

- Take a stop back and seriously ask yourself if this is the healthiest thing for you to be doing emotionally and physically. If you can't answer that in under 5 seconds then something ain't right. 

- I just paid 10 dollars to try and listen to a movie.  

- Aside from religion, you should just be a nice person over all. People never fuck with nice people.. and if they do they always get whats coming to them and that's a fact. 

- Maybe all your friends really hate you, and they are just playing nice because they don't like confrontation. That's how I am... look how far its got me... 

- One mans job is also another mans job if you're not doing it correctly. 

- If its my job to cook, and clean then its your job to make all the money and fix every thing. Just sayin.

- It is virtually impossible to not know how to cook. Theres step by step directions.. if you can't follow those then you don't know how to function. 

- I'm sorta convinced that most alcoholic beverages turn people in to assholes. Maybe not fully depending on the persons personality, but it could be slight or just full on dickish. 

- I want to see a horror movie where everything goes right. I basically want to see a horror movie where its still really fucking good but everyone does everything right and no body gets hurt. 

- I also seriously don't understand how the weakest one in some movies are the ones who survive. Its always the weak ones which is totally ass backwards. 

- Men do not have a filter at all for anything. 

- You cannot predict the future, you can only prepare. 

- Its totally frustrating meeting someone who is so fucking close minded that they ignore actual real facts.

- There are many religions. People believe in many things. Just because theirs is different than yours, doesn't make yours right. 

- p.s understand the facts to your own religion.

- Who the hell said we had to follow 1 religion anyways? when did that become a rule? Maybe I want to have my cake and eat it too. 

- There is no reason to be attached to something that makes you look at a complete stranger negatively.

- Your pediatrician likes to fuck 18 year olds... Let that simmer for a minute. I say this because its fucking true. Just because someone is in a very adorable profession doesn't make them less likely to be a total fucking pervert.

- anyone who says small businesses are cheaper than bigger corporations are full of fucking shit. 

- No matter how uncomfortable you feel about a situation you better push through it if its going to benefit you in the end. 

- You know what type of people I hate? People that don't reply to your texts but the second they needs something they become a fucking text Nazi. You don't get that fucking privileged.   

I have internet now...

Things are going crazy fast.

I'll update you with photos soon. 

Hello all of you Emilyisasecret readers.

I know you guys have been wondering where the fuck I've been. Right here... I've just had a lot of projects going on. I feel like for a while (still) I was stuck in an ocean, and the sand hasn't settled yet.

I met Bruce Campbell. I have been seriously researching about this photo shoot I have planned. I'm also in the beginning stages of moving which makes everything way more crazy. Not to mention I have a cat and a dog I have to take care of and show affection to.

I'm pretty sure there will be more missing Monday posts, so I apologize a head of time for that but once I get settled in, I'm sure things will pick back up and start on routine again.

I want to also let you know that there is a link above that says "Formspring" PLEASE don't hesitate to ask questions or simply state facts you think people should know. I am only one person here... and all though I deal with weird people on the daily, I'm sure you do too and those are the stories I love hearing the most.

Try not to state a broad statement that most people should know like "You should wear shoes when you go outside or to the store" Obviously... I know that.. and the majority of people do too. Stick with things that you seem to notice on the daily and can't quite figure out why people do it.

For example... "Don't give someone advice when you are in no place to give it. You can't tell me I need to take my dog to obedience classes when you own 15 dogs that you can't afford to take care of."

seriously though... 15 dogs it entirely too many dogs to have, especially if you're broke

Sit tight people. Don't fret. Emily will be back shortly.

Unlimited!

You've missed me, I know.. But i have a really good reason why I couldn't post last Monday. I was too busy seeing the new remake of Evil Dead. 

 

It's hard for me to accurately express how excited I was to see this movie. All of my life the original is one of my favorite movies. I kept hearing how remakes would get shot down and I was kind of happy about that being that a remake would just upset me. Still, a small part of me wondered.. A small part of me wanted. 

You see, I can't just ask you to go and watch the original. No one this day and age would really truly appreciate it unless they were brought up with it.

Its like how Kevin Smith says when he explains showing his daughter the Star Wars trilogy for the first time at the age of 7. 

"Isn't this great?! Isn't this the greatest movie you've ever seen?!" He asked her enthusiastically.

"Sure dad" she said humoring him.

I keep hearing Austin Texas is where its at with the horror movie cliques. Miami Florida? Not so much. Not at all really. 

I wanted to share that glorious moment with someone who knew everything about the movies just like I did, if not more.

Anyways my close friend Jason sent me an e-mail about a really early screening of the movie so I signed up and got tickets and that's why I didn't write last Monday. 

- Time will always show you the truth. 

- It's a really shitty thing to do to just expect shit from other people. Especially people you call your friends.  Don't expect anything from anyone. If you want to get somewhere or get something then you have to do it yourself. 

- If a certain subject is abnormally off putting for you then you should let the other party know. Movies are not usually a sensitive subject for people, if it is for you.. you might want to let people know that as that is a very common conversation starter. 

- Maybe I am an asshole.. but you're also a bitch.

- You don't bite the hand that feeds you. I don't understand how some people can snap in a second when all you are trying to do is help. Thats some real rude shit right there. 

- If you have shitty mood swings then you need to get a hold of yourself. You aren't a fucking toddler that can throw a temper tantrum when ever the fuck something doesn't go their way. You're a fucking adult... act like it. 

- I don't understand the "slapping of the dick onto a girls vagina prior to intercourse" What is that? I feel like this is the type of shit porn teaches dudes to do. They do it because the girl in the porn seems to enjoy it which means a "real" girl will too. Heads up dudes, we aren't porn stars. We have a nice intact vag. We enjoy feeling nice feelings, not slapping around. Plus, doesn't that hurt? who the fuck do you think you are? a magician? do you think your cock is a magical wand? You're spell is off.

I'm not saying it feels terrible, I'm just saying it doesn't feel great. 

- I think girls who buy books on "how to get him to purpose" need to reevaluate themselves.  If he doesn't want to be with you, then a book wont change his mind. It might make him stay longer, but eventually that nigga is going to leave. 

- You can open the door for me.

You can pay for dinner.

You can be the first one to kiss me.

You can man handle me, push my buttons and see how far I'll let this go...

You want to know why? because I said "Yes" to our date. I am verbally giving you the "go" for all things good. UNLESS you turn out to but a total fucking weirdo on our date. 

You will know a date has gone sour when the girl hints she has to leave and doesn't kiss on the first date.

Everyone kisses on the first date.

Everyone.

Honestly though what the fuck happened to chivalry? Where did it go? Is that really a fairy tale shit? Dudes are getting lazier with their tact. I've seen more spine in jelly fish. 

- Because every girl in her life will read a book on how the male species works, that means a girl will always be testing you. You should watch your step. 

- Girls want a dude that will take the initiative. If a girl is taking the time to talk to you, she probably likes you (PROBABLY.... DON'T GET THAT CONFUSED WITH "DEFINITELY") the likeliness of a guy who will take control of any situation is slim to none, If you are the one dude that will then that puts you above all the rest. 

- You don't ask a girl to take you out to dinner. That shit is redonk. 

- If someone ever says "Same-sies" punch them in the throat.

- I don't understand how difficult it is for someone to do a simple task daily. If I ask you to keep the toilet lid down, how fucking hard is that? it literally takes 1 second.

Truth.

Photo Challenge Day 1

I'm doing a daily photo post. 

Day 1: I want to come back as a pet. A pet to someone that cares a lot about their pets.

I only have eyes....

Obviously I am a shitty person because today isn't Monday.. its Tuesday.

My peace offering is this amazing song by Loveskills called "Genorate"

 "If you want a jet plane
I’ll be the one to fly for you"

- I realize that I have friends who don't believe the same things I do. Maybe I am an asshole for pointing the ridiculous shit out but, come on people... stop being so fucking stupid. 

Porn doesnt kill marriages. What an absurd way to think. Thats just like saying scary movies ruin friendships

A sex addicted mate is what ruins your marriage. You're insecurities that hold you back is also a really shitty thing to have when you are supposedly with the one that knows you the best. If you cant explore your sexuality with your mate then you probably shouldn't marry them

Anyone who says "It's not about the sex" is a fucking moron. It is about sex, among other things, but most importantly good sex! 

Porn isn't even fucking real. It's fake! it's two people you have never met before, fucking each other [in good or shitty lighting] how in the fuck is that going to "kill" your marriage? 

If thats true then so can reality shows, or any show on tv for that matter. 

P.S masturbation is totally fucking normal. Maybe it stings that they aren't getting off to your image but you can't tell me you haven't had dreams of fucking different people. [literal dreams not metaphorically] 

- If I tell you "Don't spoil anything for me" then that means "Don't spoil anything for me" it doesn't mean "please tell me all about the entire plot and crazy ending" Same reason why "no" means "no". Not "Sometimes maybe if I'm having a good day" for Christ sake. 

- Whole foods carries organic Tampons... 

- I dated a dude once that told me "If you don't throw away the vibrator I bought you, I'm going to break up with you." If a dude [or a girl] ever says that to you... give them the finger. 

- Document EVERYTHING. 

- The people you NEED in your life are the ones you can be totally fucking weird around. You need people who can relate. Who are older, and more experienced. Who can teach you things, because people respect that. 

- I can't imagine feeling so unhappy that death is my only option.

- Relationships work 2 way. Which means that there are always 2 reasons why things don't work out between the both of you. It is NEVER one sided. 

For example: If you leave someone because they cheated on you, then you leave them for two reasons. 

1. Because they cheated on you. 

2. Because you can't handle dating a cheater.

You won't ever accept the fact that they laid their hands on someone else and that is totally fine and justified. It is just another way of looking at things. 

- Family will disappoint you. They are people. There is no reason you should feel the need to stick around when someone [anyone regardless of blood] is totally treating you like a cum rag. 

- The entire internet is a bunch of bullshit really when you think about it. People actually think it ruins relationships. People think Facebook ruins relationships. Which makes sense because people believe in ghosts, aliens, God, The devil, Some people even think starwars is an actual religion. 

Some people think they can fly. They are usually unsuccessful. 

- I think I can rule out why murderes kill people in the middle of the night or morning... 

There is a sweet sweet moment, its a short moment when someone wakes you up right before your alarm goes off. This hatred you feel is so much.. that murder seems like the only option. I know this.. because I felt it this morning. [No one was injured in the making of this blog]

- I realize there are some girls that use panty liners on the daily because their PH balance is WAY the fuck off which is a perfect indicator that you should see A FUCKING DOCTOR. Panty liners aren't cheap man... 

- I feel super weird picking out my cucumbers. I mean I really examine them. I check the firmness. I check the girth. I mean I like my cucumbers big and thick. I think everyone around me is judging me and my ability to pick out cucumbers. 

 

- Guys HAVE to know they have a tiny penis right? I mean you have to. I've never seen little dick porn. I mean I know it exists but.... You just have to know that you have a tiny penis. You have to gauge from all the porn you watch, I refuse to think that you think you are "Average"

- Rearrange your room. It's time for a change that's not too shocking.

- You can't possibly think that by doing shitty things to people [because they do them to you] will get you anywhere in life. Being bitter takes so much more effort then just not giving a shit and doing what YOU feel like doing. Nice people get way farther in life. Trust me.

- Hey. Maybe this is just me but if your dog hasn't eaten anything for a week and hasn't had anything to drink in the last 4 days, maybe you should've seen a doctor sooner and not at the last moment when the dog is about to die. Again this is just my opinion.

- It's time to grow up man. It's time to just rely on yourself to make the RIGHT decision.

I tried to sleep but then I wake up...

     

- Honesty is really the best policy.

- The only thing that sucks about that is, girls hate hearing the truth if its something that they really don't want to hear in the first place. It could be the most honest statement but if it means a girl wont get her way.. she will still pretty much hate you. 

Ladies.. seriously... make up your fucking minds. Do you want to be lied to or not?!

This is exactly what it feels like to be on your period.

- When someone that you thought was your friend, sends you a friend request on facebook is a lot like being asked to 8th grade dance by your crush, who is really just playing a sick fucking joke on you.

- Think before you speak boy. Its going to save you. 

- I hate that the cool thing now is to be silent. Being silent now gets peoples attentions. Like I could not hear from a dude for 5 days after a really cool date and be flipping out on whats going on but in reality they just really fucking know how to play this game. 

I'm not about the silence. I'm putting an end to that shit. It's annoying. Its really fucking lame. If you like me.. then lets hang out more... not less... thats lame. 

- We're all just looking for answers to every question we have. We all just panic when it isn't answered right that second. 

- My grandmother used to tell me "the truth shall set you free" and she was so fucking right. You want to be a good person.. then tell the fucking truth... even if its going to make someone really hate you... or cry.. 

- If you have to, make a list of all the reasons not to do favors for people that wont do them for you. I have to do that because I forget everything.

- You should actually brush your teeth twice a day. You never hear about anyone dying from brushing their teeth. Unless they are fucking stupid. I know you aren't but you breath smells like you are. 

- Take your manic depression somewhere else.. ain't no body got time for that.

- Just because you've had an item for a long period of time doesn't make you a professional using it. People who say "I've been taking pictures since I was 5" are a bunch a fucking liars. You just liked the way it felt, you weren't actually a fucking photographer. I know a lot of dudes who think they know how to use their penis... they really fucking don't. 

- When you can no longer function with out another human being, then you should be totally scared! 

- Oh hey... long time no talk... whats that? oh no... you don't get a second chance to be a douche bag again to me..

- People think that what they are doing is justified because they are really amped up on feelings.. CALM YOUR DICK MAN... chances are this is a really bad decision.. you just don't think so because you're feeling wall has blocked all logical thinking! THINK ABOUT THIS MAN!!! 

- You don't have to fuck a lot to say you're experienced in "life" what the fuck does that even mean? shut up... go home... 

- People who pick food out that taste so insignificant in their meal really piss me off.. It's like why cant you just order something that doesn't take more time trying to fix than eat? fuck man I just want to eat. 

- Also... hey people who wear fake colored contacts!... THEY LOOK LIKE FUCKING SHIT AND I KNOW THEY AREN'T YOUR REAL COLOR.. everyone knows they aren't you're real color... and you look like a real fucking loser when you wear them.