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Saturday, September 11, 2010

Meeting someone's parents for the first time:

- Don't dress like a douche. Normally, I don't think that douche's normally know they are dressing douche baggery, so heres how you know:

  • Your pants are below your hip line.
  • You are wearing flip flops with socks
  • Your button down shirt isn't tucked in and the collar is flipped up (who the fuck are you trying to kid)
  • Your clothes aren't ironed.
  • There is any form of glitter/really lame tag line/badly drawn animal/missing sleeves/visible tags/ visible bra.
  • Your tattoos are clearly visible.
  • Your hat is on/backwards/sideways
  • You are chewing gum
  • You are wearing a tank top
  • Your underwear are showing
  • Your Cologne is overbearing 
  • Your hair doesn't move in a natural way.
- Do hide your tattoos for at least this once. Even if your boy/girlfriend says their parents are the coolest people on the planet. It will go a long way once they know you did it out of respect for them.
- Do only wear one item of jewelry. That means a set of earrings, or 1 necklace. 
- Do make this the one impression the best one, as if your life depended on it.
- Dudes, shake dads hand.
- Girls, kiss dads cheek.
- Do talk about common interests, and just nod if either one of the parents say something you don't particularly agree with.
- If you opinion is asked, make sure it is something everyone WILL agree on, if you know it wont be then just say you aren't really sure how to feel about it and smile. 
- Open the door for your lady.
- Don't bother asking to help wash dishes, skip that part and just do it. If mom or dad insists on doing them just say "dinner was amazing, its the least I can do" 
- Napkin goes on your lap, not in your shirt.
That is how you properly hold a knife when at the table. Use it.

- Be punctual. Always better to be early then late.
- NEVER start eating before everyone else has even thought to do so. I know you are hungry but trust me, it can wait. 
- Cellphone = OFF AND PUT AWAY.
- Cover your mouth after you have fully swallowed your food when you want to say something.
- I know this goes with out saying but CLOSE YOUR MOUTH WHEN CHEWING. 
- If you are a smoker, you are not allowed a smoking break unless mom and dad beg you to do so with them.
- Do shower before going to a dinner. (duh.)
- Ladies, Don't dress like a 2 cent hooker from the projects. Since most 2 cent hookers don't know they dress like 2 cent hookers from the projects, here are some things you shouldnt wear:

  • Your skirt is clearly showing your ass (skirts shouldn't be worn to dinner that are 4 inches above the knee)
  • Your top clearly shows your cleavage. (Always wear a cardigan when in doubt)
  • Your hair is disarrayed. (Pinning back your hair is always an option that shouldn't be over looked.)
  • Your nail color is some bright unknown color of the rainbow and matches your eyeshadow but doesn't match a single clothing item you are wearing.  
  • Your high heels look like they are strangling your feet to death. 
  • Glitter is everywhere.
- Don't talk about your sex life or anything relating to sex. 
- Do talk proper english. 
- Don't come off as a pretentious asshole. That means having a "higher then thou" persona or having an answer to everything, even things that need not an answer.
- Don't drink. By that I mean try to stay away from any alcoholic beverages. 
-  PDA is okay as far as holding hands and a kiss on the cheek. 

I would hope that either sex is dating someone who is good enough to impress ones parents by having some sort of values and goals set for themselves. I would hope that my readers have that much of a standard for themselves. It is important for parents to see that there son/daughter isn't dating someone who is just "Sticking around". Goals and ambition are qualities that make people and an atmosphere seem happy and light. If you don't have any goals or ambition, get some.  No one wants someone like you, and if they do, they aren't the type of people someone worth having wants around. 

Proper grammar and knowing what you are talking about is important, because no one wants to be that person that totally mistaken the twin towers for a mall they visited in new york. It is sometimes better to not say something at all then to think what you are saying is correct. 

Mission accomplished. 

1 comment:

  1. Lol freaking hilariously in tune with how I think. Great job here Em, completely loved every second of this read.