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Monday, December 13, 2010

Since I'm the one going through all of this...

Welcome back to another edition of Things you should know, but act like you don't because you are just too stupid to understand right from wrong.

- Never be rude to anyone who handles your bills or food. Either one could end very badly. Being a nice friendly person pays off, TRUST ME.

- If you handle the bills at your job, re-pay nice people with credits or discounts. We want to reward people for being nice, not just the people who always get what they want. (fuckin assholes)

- Don't wear leggings if you have a nice perfect butt. I know it sounds really tempting but at the roundest part of you ass, the leggings can't handle it, which is a great view for the rest of the world to notice your lovely blue thong. I don't mind... but some people would/do.

- Its probably a good idea to carry around a small phone book. I once left my cell phone at home and, man what a disaster that was...

- HATE ISN'T A STRONG WORD! there is no such fucking thing! "hate" doesn't work out 6 days a week! It's just a word!

- Don't you ever, for one second, think you are the judge of someone's future. You have no right to make someone second guess what they want to be when they grow up.

- Why do you always feel the need to give an opinion when I never asked for it in the first place? Listen, If I said "Don't you agree?" or "what are your thoughts on this" THAT means I'm asking for your opinion. When I leave no questions out in the open for you to answer, that means I DIDN'T ASK A FUCKING QUESTION. JESUS.

- You know what expression I hate (yeah I said hate) when someone says "you know what I think you should do?" It is usually always followed by something opposite of what I think I should do. While that is rather great for you, I wasn't aware I asked you what you thought.. so.. no, I don't want to know what you think I should do..

- Everyone should have at least one day off where they do nothing but be a total vegetable in bed and catch up on dirty episodes of jerry springer and cops.

- Hey BP, Personally I think you seem to be doing just fucking dandy after destroying the whole golf of mexico so I don't need to hear your cry for help by using a fisherman to tell me I now need to buy fish. Stick to what you know, which apparently isn't much.

- Does anyone else find that necklaces (or any jewelry for that matter) smells REALLY nasty from forever21? The fuck forever21? get with the program.

- Always tell a friend if they have something stuck in there teeth. I know it's hard! but trust me! I would want you to do it to me.

- How come when people work, and obviously hate there job, always have to make your experience bad too? Hey buddy, It's not my fault you didn't finish high school and are stuck here, don't make me hate it too.

Anon asks:

"Why do men feel the need to talk dirty in bed? what are some things you just shouldn't say?"

Well Anon, good question. I assume the need to talk dirty is the fact our emotional wall is completely pulled down when we are laying naked with someone we feel comfortable with, or even a complete stranger. This means stuff is sometimes said that makes you wonder "what the fuck?" afterwards. Its all good but there are somethings you most definetly should always try NOT to say. 

1. Never say anything completely out of the ordinary like "My dick feels like corn" 

2. Don't call me a "dirty little cunt, bitch, whore, slut" or even "little girl" Its just creepy and a total turn off. These names should never leave a dudes mouth I don't care how crazy your ex was you do not use these words ever, why? because if  a girl is smart enough she will understand that if you both ever get into an argument, the first thing you are going to call her are those names. No girl wants that shit.

3. You should and should always make noise, but Don't sound like a dying moose, and don't scream like a girl. We like knowing what we do is great and if you aren't already making it obvious, moaning is one way to let us know you like what's going on. 

4. Never call your penis any sort of name other then what it is. For example "Dick, Cock or penis" Don't use "Johnny, Mr. genie, or Junior" 

Sex is fun and if you are a girl and you are totally cool with this then hey, don't listen to me, listen to her! 

Have any questions? Just shoot me a comment or formspring me at Emilyisasecret
Tune in for tomorrow! I am featuring one of my fav bloggers! :) 

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