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Sunday, October 9, 2011

I don't know what the hell was up with this week. Maybe its because this year has been pretty decent to me so far that all the bad days that shouldeve happened, didn't and its about that time for me to get a good ol' shit week. 

On top of all the tiny minuscule things that happen. Stuff like "Oh look, I am on empty and late for work, which is more important?" or "Oh look my a/c stopped working in the middle of a tropical storm." There was also sorrow..

My cousin is fighting for you and I. So I can write in this blog about the dumbest shit people should know but don't. He's fighting so you can have sex with who ever the hell you want, when ever the hell you want, where ever the hell you want. I hadn't realized how much this meant till he actually joined the army and the thought of me losing him was a possibility. My brother and other cousin followed shortly after and they are now in the national guard. Pete, though, was shipped off to Iraq. 

I don't believe in war. I don't believe in fighting. I don't believe what goes on in other countries is my business. I CHOOSE to stay ignorant because to be honest thinking/fighting about it makes me stressed and does nothing to anything. 

I got a phone call at work. Work just so happened to be busy at the time. I had been working 11 hour shifts all week and by Friday I felt like a zombie. 

I do this thing where I involuntarily try to take on other peoples burdens. I try to make things a little bit easier for other people even if I feel like utter shit. On top of working so much, everyday I came to work I would hug my boss. Try and make him laugh and try to be ahead of the game. 

Here is what finding out someone you consider a brother is dead feels like:

1. You have invisibly been punched in the stomach so hard and so fast that all you can do is buckle over onto your knees. You try to pick yourself up because, well, this is just weird, but you cant. 
2. You start to drool as if your salivating glands have lost control of themselves. 
3. You feel the need to vomit and cough. 
4. Oh, now your legs are numb. Yeah, no feeling in your legs and even your arms seem tingly. 
5. You start to cry and drool all over yourself like a helpless new born baby. 
6. At this point the people around you are asking what's wrong, were you infected with the zombie virus? but the room is just spinning and  you cant think about anything but that last time you saw him and he was outside smoking a cigarette.
7. Why didn't he just take you instead? 
8. You can literally feel every blood cell rushing through your body.
9. Your arms start shaking uncontrollably.
10. Weirdly enough all you want to do is curl up. 

Peter wasn't dead. He was hit by a bomb last week in Afghanistan. Metal scraps are stuck in his body but the most threatening pieces were removed along with his spleen and part of his colon. It feels weird saying that because, its always the people that least deserve to get hurt that are always the ones to get fucked. 

The even worse part is...
He's on the other side of the planet. There is no communication to him other then the army calling his mom every so often. We just have to assume that things are going according to plan... and hope he gets home soon.

For his bravery, he was awarded the purple heart

I had someone ask me the other day what I think happens when we die. If we just float up, and watch over the ones we love. If we are cremated and our ashes are spread in different parts of the US can our soul find its way back? 

This is just my opinion, but I believe that when we die we get to see God, our version of God, MY version. He talks to us about life and answers what questions we can remember. He then gives you the option to do it all over again in another life that you have absolutely no control over, or to stay. We are either recycled or we get to watch from afar. I think the majority of us decide to come back with the hopes of seeing people we knew/know. I also think maybe life just repeats itself. 

Someone told me once "I'm gonna die young because all the good people die young" and he really believed this. Part of me is starting to too. 

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