If you like this blog you should follow me on twitter, I make daily posts like these...
I keep trying to put a restraining order on my diet...
Is it bad I want to buy a fake mustache just so my fake western accent looks more authentic?
Walking dead is back, which means a lot of zombie related posts.. God I love October.
Sometimes all someone needs is a lot of alcohol and a pedicure to get over a giant douche bag.
I'm pretty sure Justin timberlake is gay... Or has a small penis... neither are better then the other.
Has anyone actually used Saran wrap for oral sex? What is this? baking sex? so awkward!
Why does bad food taste so good?
I can't not watch ghost adventures only because I can't wait to see what dumb shit Zack says next...
I don't understand when people are incapable of sharing.. I get prize possessions but I am not dumb enough to ask to borrow those.. I'm talking about things that are sitting there in your house collecting dust that I could really use... what the hell gives?! I don't break things!
I hate how some songs are attached to moments/people I want to forget... Now there are certain songs I cant listen to... like anything from the get up kids or the sounds are completely ruined for me.
I love when people say "Only God can judge you" but there you are... judging me.. assholes
Every Sunday I think "Tomorrows gonna be fine.. Its just another day..." but I am always wrong.
There are 2 things that will make you uncomfortable in a movie... animal death and rape scenes...
I think Mondays suck so much because Friday is so far away, yet Mondays come so soon.
I think the reason I get so weirded out by death is because there is no logical way to make it seem okay. Death happens but you cant explain why it is happening for a reason. For example I can say the reason you are vomiting is because you have food poisoning. I don't have a valid reason for death, unless it because someone killed themselves. Even then I have a hard time consoling family/friends.
Everyone always says rain is depressing. For Miami, I would rather the overcast Sky's and sprinkling rain, then the beating hot sun that makes my skin feel like its boiling.
I wish everyone was in on my inside jokes. The sad part is, they will never be.. because even when you explain why this is funny, they still don't get it.
Female jealousy is so odd to me. I should be more specific... I don't know why girls feel threatened by me.. just me.. I'm not hot, I just say fun things.. Doesn't everyone?
On the other side, you wanna seal the deal and be sure I don't try anything silly? meet me in person. Once I have met someones girlfriend in person that door is SHUT COMPLETELY.
I don't like this army business. I just don't. I wish it was over already, seriously.. I really wish it would end.
I am lucky enough to have a day off during the week.
I can't not have coffee in the morning. I just don't like the person I am with out it. I don't think anyone else does either.
I have an overwhelming feeling of wanting to be friends with certain people. So much sometimes its kind of scary. You'll never know this because, we'll you would think I was weird.
If I had a dollar for every time someone said "You probably get this all the time... but..." I would be 50 dollars richer.
Here is something that mind fucks me every time I hear it.. "I would NEVER cheat on someone" Don't you know that there is a Devinne force out there that waits for you to say the word "never" just so they can reverse it? what the fuck is wrong with you throwing words out there like its nothing! P.s you aren't fooling anyone.. I can do that too "I would NEVER use a food condiments during sex"
Have I ever used an apple pie from McDonald's to jack a dude off? What type of question is that?! You should know the answer...
I almost ran someone over yesterday. It was dark, raining and I was driving on a busy road and this mother fucker came out of nowhere and didn't even look where he was going.. I swear I never felt so scared in my life, my car skid and I felt my anti lock breaks and the guy didn't even look! His retort back to me was "WELL!?" well!? WHAT THE FUCK WELL!? I ALMOST KILLED YOU, YOU FUCKING IDIOT! DON'T "WELL" ME YOU DICK MONGREL
I also don't understand when people blame the other person involved in an affair for their fuck ups. "I fucking hate that bitch for letting me stick my dick in her" #DOILOOKSTUPIDTOYOU
I think in order to avoid possible heart break, You should figure out what the status of your "whateveryouwannacallit" relationship is soon. I think there should be a CLEAR understanding on what is going on between the both of you. That way, 6 months down the road you aren't getting pissed off because an asshole is tossing you around like a rag doll.
By the same token, I know you are smart enough to know when someone is attached to you. If you are the type of person to lead someone on for no reason, please do me a favor and jump off a bridge.
My best friend asked me this the other day "Why would he give up my perfectly good vagina for some 20 cent hooker?" I still don't have an answer to this question. Who gives up good pussy? Stupid guys do.. You guys are so silly..
The thought of not having one of the many people in my life scares the shit out of me.
I still don't understand the point of having a bridal shower. Apparently its so you can receive the gifts at that time instead of having to take home all these gifts from the wedding, but people still bring gifts to a wedding anyways.. so what gives? bachelor/Bachelorette party I get... bridal shower? What the hell are you for? Seriously Its just another thing to spend more money on..
I do want a 40's themed wedding, during the cool weather, possibly in a barn or meadow. Dudes must have mustaches... there will be a mustache contest.
My cousin posted his first status update since being blown up in Iraq. His update said "All on my limbs work, even my cock, I know my girlfriend was wondering" I miss him so much.
I am actually a really boring person. I get out because I like to take pictures, but if it were up to me, and I got paid to watch scary movies and talk shit all day... I would be a happy camper. People think because I talk a lot and I am very sociable that means I want to go to parties and shows and strip clubs..
I tasted childhood this morning.. It tasted like gummy bears.
I think its important to have a mental stimulator. Something that helps you release stress. Mine is going to the gym. I need to be out of the house to effectively release stress. I think this is also important because you aren't releasing stress in your living area, you are releasing it in a "stress relieving facility"
Is it wrong to ask a question to be absolutely right about an answer? It seems like everyone gets pissed at you for asking questions, yet when you assume wrong they still get mad. So which is better? to assume your answer is right? or ask a question to be positive? I love how people think I can make the right answers magically appear. I am mostly right about most things but not all things, clearly.
There is such thing as you feeling so intimidated by someone that you forget all the answers to anything and that feeling sucks. I have not yet mastered the act of getting rid of this.
I want to make a book that quotes all the dumbest quotes ever said in movies that aren't suppose to be dumb quotes to begin with... starting with tron legacy's "Have a nice swim" quote.