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Monday, October 31, 2011

we'll get through this...

- I spend a good deal of my sunday night asking myself "what would I need in order for my Monday to be perfect?" These are the answers I've come up with
 *Morning sex
*Full tank of gas
*Free coffee
*Clean house when I get home

- Facebook is not the place to voice revenge.. If you have something personal going on don't put it on blast on Facebook. You look like a dumbass.

- I refuse to feel sorry for people who are always looking for people to feel sorry for them.

- If you cant explain your actions then you deserve what they come off as being.

- Your statements/advice will be ignored if you and I both know you have no idea what you are talking about... your argument is invalid.

- If you know you will regret it later then don't do it.

- Don't fuck just to get fucked.

- If you find yourself having more drama in a relationship then having an actual relationship you should seriously question your relationship...

- What the fuck do spanish people see in Marc Anthony? seriously...

- If you are broken up, on a break, or you have a "Idontknowwhatthisis" relationship status... YOU/THEY ARE FAIR GAME.. Understand this please... Don't get pissed when other people are talking to your prey... You haven't shot that bitch yet... Man up.

- Don't be a fucking poser and go to prom.. MAKE YOUR OWN DAMN PROM...

- I will not be attending my high school reunion.. because I am making my own reunion with the people I actually care about seeing again.

- I always get disappointed when I see an old car and there is usually an old dude driving it..

- Anyone else have friend requests from family members they keep ignoring because you know they are going to question every good time you are having? I love you, but you have to stay family.

- If I have a day off... it will be a lazy day.. Don't fuck it up for me...

- What the fuck October? You were here and then you were gone... what gives ?! your like my favorite movie holiday! I can not get enough of you... PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!!!

- There is a fine balance in the morning when listening to coldplay, drinking coffee the way you like it, and the air is cool enough to let the windows down.

- I think Halloween is the most creative decorating holiday. I also love how creative my friends got with their costumes, they get better and better every year.

- There will be people that come into your life that for what ever reason cannot stand to see you happy. If you make a joke, even though everyone else is laughing, they will still look at you like a moron. Do not get discouraged, this person is just a giant walking asshole and that is his personal problem. As a matter of fact these people are usually just jealous because you are awesome.

- Never rely on people. Just don't. Even when someone says "you can count on me" tell them "no thanks... I count on myself"

- You are never second best. NEVER EVER. So don't let anyone make you feel that way. If they do, then they themselves are second best, and no body likes second hand anything.. so neither should you.

- I love kids, eventually I want some of my own but I am so... so terrified of the sleepless nights. I mean I am a good person, but I am convinced its because I get a great amount of sleep. When I haven't had any sleep, I am something else entirely. That scares me.

- I didn't know Christmas started on the 31st of October. All I see are Christmas commercials and we aren't even done with Halloween yet. I should be happy about this but I like to take my holidays one month at a time. Next up is thanksgiving... Not Christmas..

- If it is up to me, I would like to celebrate every religious holiday. Do I have to be actively practicing a religion in order to enjoy its holidays?

- "Are you Jewish?" "No I just like lighting candles"

- I think, with the exception of today's music industry (for obvious reasons), in order for you to become someone of importance, it is important for you to be different and think out of the box.

- You must make mistakes to know when to do the right thing.

- You cannot change people, you can only offer advice.. If they still ignore you... fuck those people.

- The word abuse doesn't just mean to physically cause harm to someone. You can abuse someone in many ways like taking advantage of someones niceness.

- If you have a failed marriage, or you have a shit marriage currently, you have no room to offer words of advice towards a newly wed couple.

- I know I have said this many times before but facebook is NOT the place to talk about your relationship status. Use a journal to vent, not my personal news feed.

- You have an ex stalking you, possibly physically abusing you, the correct action to take is get a restraining order. Not sit and wait for him to shoot you in the leg. I don't have patience for people that continue to allow these things to happen. If you do, I will no longer offer advice.

Awesome E-sesh of the week goes to Julian Sunmi Park and Benjamin Jinsuk Lee

- I think it is so raunchy when a grown ass man walks out in only his boxers to fetch the mail/newspaper and then just stands there for a few minutes like the morning breeze against his balls feels like heaven. Dude, do that in your back yard... This all changes of course if you look anything remotely close to Dallas Green or Kurt Russel from the thing.. In that case... air your balls out dude... by all means...

- Whistling always creeps me out, like that person is up to something super devious...

- Lately I have religiously been watching American horror story, walking dead and new girl. You should too.

- The new year is coming, which means its another year that none of my new years resolutions came true. I am finally learning the best thing for me to do, is not have any new years resolutions so that I am not disappointed next year. Who the fuck cares anyways right? aren't we all dying next year due to the Mayans predictions?

- Congratulations to Edwin Rivero and Adriana Larios...

- Who the fuck thinks this is a correct response to a cop that just pulled another dude off of you that was trying to rape you "No... I do not want to press charges...." I hope he does come back and rape your asshole you stupid idiot..

- When I was a kid someone asked me "Is your glass half full or half empty" my answer was "What are you stupid? those are both the same thing"

- Who likes to shit on a happy moment? I can't stand those types of people. You know those people that say some shit like "Be careful..." or "congratulations but..." I mean who shit in your cereal this morning? keep those comments to yourself.

- I have seen more children that should be put on leashes then pets..

- Don't you hate when you put 100% in a relationship and the other person puts in -5%?

- I have a plethora of slutty Halloween costumes. Enough to clothe a small slutty town.

I wanna know every ones rating system for rating themselves in bed.

First off, How can you even rate yourself?
Secondly, How do you rate yourself?
Thirdly, How'd you get to that number? (assuming we are speaking about a scale from 1-10)

So I've come up with a helpful answering system.

Add a point if you never orgasm before a girl.
Add 2 points if you last longer than 20 minutes
Take away 2 points if you last less than 20 minutes
Take a point off if you like the girl to be in control
Add a point if you just as much touching as you do Humping/thrusting
Take a point away if you orgasm faster during doggy style then any other position.
Add 2 points if you make an effort to always start with foreplay
Take a point off if you are turned on by anal sex.
Take a point off if you are turned on by fisting a girl
Take a point off if you are always trying to shove more fingers in a girl then your supposed to.
Add a point if you have never fisted or stuck more than 3 fingers in a girl.
Give yourself a point if you understand that closeness and deep penetration is important. 
Take a point away if you are usually silent during sex.
Give yourself a point if you understand the meaning of passion.
Give yourself a point if you understand that just because dudes jackhammer girls in porn doesn't mean girls like it IRL

If your answer is "10" take away 3 points. dick

- As a parent you should make it your #1 priority to make sure your child has a unique costume for Halloween. None of that store bought shit, if you allow your child to go out in that crap you deserve a punch in the dick.

- Who says trick or treating has an age limit? That's not fair. Disney doesn't have an age limit and I still love riding "its a small world"

- I think someones Halloween costume can say a lot about someone.

- I hate people that say "I never win anything..." but seriously... I never win anything...

BRB... watching scary movies.. 


  1. I just read through this whole list saying, "yeah!", "no shit", "so true". Love it.