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Monday, November 7, 2011

- I thought everyone liked having things in their mouth... Don't they?

- If you can wear leggings/pantie hoes/ tights just to benefit an outfit regardless of how big or small your dick is, you are a man. No questions asked.

- I think people get attached easily because its hard for them to find people they can connect with or someone that can "get on their level", so when they do their feelings get all out of wack and start hyperventilating

- Does it bother you when your girlfriend talks about your penis in an open conversation? That's gotta be awkward for you dude.

- I saw a show where a lady spent 17,000 dollars on a wedding dress. I wanna know what justifies this action... and don't tell me love..

- You know those people that boast about their personal life like its the most awesome thing on the planet? I just want you to know I am totally recreating the scene from starwars when Luke walks into the bar..

"Yeah, I totally hung out with city and colour the other day"
"Oh the whole band?"
"No the lead singer"
"Oh I didn't know his name was actually city and colour... This whole time Ive been calling him dallas green..."

- I think, even if it makes me look totally stupid in the end, as long as I made someone laugh so hard they start to tear, That's all that matters to me.

Here are some of the many reasons I heard yesterday for people flaking..
"My cat got sick"
"My car broke down"
"I have to pay my bills online"
"I had an abortion"
"I'm going to the mall"

I don't know if I would rather someone just tell me "I'm too fucking lazy to go" or to actually have these excuses... I was seriously waiting for someone to say "My dog ate my homework"

- I think its better for people to help someone because they love/care about them instead of doing something for someone because they are expecting something out of it.

- Sometimes I think its better for you to accomplish things/projects on your own because you can never rely on anyone to get things right other than yourself. I think the reason I have a hard time asking for help is because of this reason.

- I love being a girl because its fun to play with your boobs.. I imagine its the same for dudes too... Not cause they like playing with their boobs, but because... you know... penis.

- I hate when cops ask "Do you know why I pulled you over?" because I'm such a smart ass my answer always wants to be "Because I was driving perfectly fine and you wanted to say hello?" But... that never happens.

- I wish my first instinct for someone accusing me of doing something wrong isn't to go into defense mode but to automatically apologize.

- Side note: Why does "I apologize" sound so much more insincere then "I'm sorry" ?

- I want to know why dudes feel the need to slap their dick on things. I asked my brother and his answer was "because they do it in porn" but that answer kind of worries me. Watching porn to learn about sex is like... watching comedy central to learn more about the African safari. Sure maybe they might reference something but is it something you want to take into consideration? Not usually. If videoing other people having sex with each other was my thing, I'd like to change the way people see porn. Since its not, I'll just tell you you shouldn't always believe the things you watch on t.v, didn't your mother ever tell you that?

- Would it change things if the dude you liked may have had a personal experience with an ex and in this personal experience he got possibly fucked with a strap on? I know I know! you are  first thinking "WHAT IN THE FUCK NO!" but.... Let it sink in... Don't you think he may be more experienced then most? 

- Yes... dick slapping a girls face is degrading. Don't try and argue about this one.

- I spend a good deal of my time wondering whether or not it s a good time to text someone or not. Am I texting too much? But I really like talking to this person... but maybe I'm being really annoying! UGH!

- I'm kind of tired seeing woman with more photoshopped bodies then not. Its all I ever critique. I don't even look for prettiness anymore, just imperfections. There is no way this chicks body can look like that unless she had some freak surgery to remove half of all of her organs.

- Clothed sex is great. I mean your average naked sex is great too but.. change shit up a bit. Use a skirt

- I don't notice imperfection on nice people. Is that weird?

- I get that animals are all cute and cuddly but when you visit a vet office with your pet, try not to interact with other pets. You are at a hospital. You don't go around petting other sick people, what if that shit is contagious? this is the same principal. This isn't a dog park, its a clinic for sick pets.

- By the same token, You cannot tell if a person has STDs. Obviously no smart person is going to fuck a raggedy ass bum, plus don't you think people with STDs have learned to mask their diseases? I mean people with STD's need love too! So stop sticking your dick in dark places man! Didn't you go to boy scouts? You gotta be prepared for journeys like that, and trust me! you arent!

- For the rest of the week I am making every single awkward moment a time to say something completely sexual even if it makes no sense.

- If you can laugh at your own mistakes you have just become a better person.

- I think cops have the worst complexes about things.

- I'm kind of sad party city ruined Micheal Jackson's thriller for me...

- I REALLY admire people that do positive work with children, homeless people, mentally challenged or any organization that needs help.

- Do you ever want to reply to someones bullshit with "Go fuck yourself" ?

- Hold up... You do know male testicles are sensitive as shit right? and sure in some instances using your mouth is a good idea.. but this isn't a competition on who can chomp on the most balls at once. Nor is it a competition on who can suck as hard as they can till they are blue in the face. I just want to know where girls get this notion.. 

- Nothing fights are the dumbest fights on this planet.. I had an ex once that bought me a vibrator as a gift once for an anniversary but then realized that I'd be using it with out him, got jealous and forced me to throw it away or he would break up with me... Choose your battles wisely, if not you look like an idiot. 

- Dude told me today "Pussy is not supposed to be on a pedestal" but girls aren't the only ones putting it up there, You dudes do it too!

- You have sex the first night you meet someone you cannot be taken seriously the next day. Just sayin.

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