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Friday, November 11, 2011

When the truth is...

I had a discussion with someone the other night about love and the act of being in it. I asked "How do you know if its love" because I assume everyones answer is different as it usually is. It was...

He said "Its different every time, It's like how do you know you love photography.. You just do"

I have a notion that love though.. real love... doesnt fade or go away. It's not supposed to right? Now Im thinking there are different levels of love or being in love. You love your mom.. but you love your friends differently but its still described as love.

I just dont think a single word that can describe the same thing in various ways should be the single word that describes being with someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.

This is going in the wrong direction.

I question a lot.

It's just who I am... I want to know how something works...

I refuse to believe that I gave myself to someone that may have ruined a good portion of my life. I refuse to think that I was in love.. and its a good thing I forget things easily because if I was a dweller... I would be such a pitiful human being.

I think I see things a lot more differently then the average bear. I am constantly soaking up things like a sponge, taking in detail, its probably the photographer in me... yet this is still a subject that confuses me.

I had another friend who I am positive just cheated on his girlfriend flat out tell me 1. Hes not a cheater, When I was there... watching the whole thing happen and he even talked to me afterwards.. and 2. freak out like a little baby about being called out on his actions.

I think people are afraid of... being.... human.. or facing their... mistakes. Everyone focuses on being someone perfect. I just wanted to know why... after he spoke so highly of his girlfriend and told me repeatedly how happy he was... why he did it.

and the answer "because men (not because he is) are stupid" isn't good enough at all.

I thought happy couples don't do that shit..

I thought that there is always a reason for that shit to happen, no matter how big or small it is... and god damnit I want to know what it is, even if it kills me. Now I gotta worry about being too perfect? The fuck? I have to worry about being in a good healthy relationship?

I feel like the saying "Its not you, its me" or "I just need time to figure myself out" is like telling me "Um.... bullshit bullshit bullshit... I'm a fucking liar" I mean look at me, I'm a fully functional human being, I can handle the fucking truth. Its almost like you are blatantly calling me a fucking moron. Tell me why, tell me its because I don't have blonde hair or because I'm fat or too tall or because you hate that I have nightmares. Yeah I can't control who I am sometimes but at least I'll make it a bit more obvious to the next person that these are parts of me someone should be okay with when getting to know me. If you don't tell me there is a good chance that this might happen again, and no offense but I'm kind of tired of this game.

And yeah dude... You fucked up... You saw a hot girl and YOU made the move... I saw that shit..

I mean maybe people really are battling their own version of a jackal and hyde? Maybe there is some sort of internal switch that makes people batshitstupid. I used to tell myself, that the only exception to someone cheating is if they had WAY too much to drink and someone raped them, but I'm starting to think that people can get "raped" at any time.

Again... the wrong direction...

I want it to be... forever... and ever... and even when we die and God says "alright.. you want to do it all over again?" I want my answer to be "I don't want to forget him..." and I want his answer to be the same...

I had an ex tell me that when we die we become... happy and all the things we can think of that will make us happy because we dont remember anything in our previous life...

I immediately began to cry.

I didn't want to forget someone I loved so much. I didn't want there to be a clean slate or this... perfectness with nothing to hold on to.

What is the point of saying forever if God throws it away in the end? (I know you don't do that God, Its just a metaphor)

Thats why I can't say I've ever been in love... because I can't say that about anyone Ive ever met... Can you?

1 comment:

  1. Love: the condition in which the welfare and happiness of another become essential to your own.

    Robert A. Heinlein