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Monday, November 28, 2011

- You want to be different? then ask yourself "If i wasn't me today how would I react to this" see how long that holds up till someone notices...

- I have this undying need to help every single person in the entire world.

- I was told to give God my burdens once... but what a shitty thing to do to someone who knows your fate and answers your prayers...

- Your problems should never matter. No matter how trivial it may seem, your friends and families problems are to mean more to you first.

- You don't want shit to blow up in your face? you should lay some ground rules down first. First on that list should be to follow this blog.

- Don't you ever once get surprised when someone close to you does something so stupid you couldeve sworn knew better because they never fucking know better.

- If you are an English bulldog puppy lover, you better think twice because those fuckers are GROSS

- In case you didn't know, facebook is for connecting with friends... not to post annoying wannabee inspirational pictures with life changing quotes.. that's what tumblr is for.

- I do not see the point to giving chocolates as gifts. I suppose if it is the last option you have, you can never go wrong but you should never have to subject yourself to the "last option" First off chocolates make you fat, they are messy and expensive if you are shipping them. A girl who says they don't like flowers (she probably uses the line "because they die" as an excuse) are bullshitting you.. that's like saying nobody likes free gifts.. EVERYONE LIKES FREE GIFTS.

- Girls will beat themselves up by staring at ex girlfriend photos and wonder 1 of 2 things Either:
"Why does he like me? shes so much prettier than me"
"Why did he date her? shes fucking ugly"
We are curious to see what your tastes are, we know you like us but WHY do you like us and what was so wrong with the last girl... Plus girls are catty.. 

- side note: I tried looking up the definition for "caddy" on the Internet and ended up finding out it means small container... so... girls are not caddy... obviously...


- In a situation, I will always ask myself "why is this happening" to better understand what is actually happening. A normal person is usually just selfish and continues on their way.. which is probably why you get yourself in trouble so many times..

- Sure, I can hit then "unsubscribe to these posts" button on facebook but do I really want someone around who is making the conscious decision to constantly post dumb shit? Nope.

- If you feel like everyone is staring, they probably are.

- Hello, My name is Emily and I am not a fucking moron so stop treating me like I am. 

- Always lay out the pros and cons of a situation. If you have more cons, then you should evacuate the situation.

- Here is why you are having such a difficult time finding a good dude... YOU ARE DATING 18 YEAR OLD BOYS.... justsayin

- Girls are the most difficult people on the planet. They are so difficult to please. They almost always have an ulterior motive to every thing. Up means down and down means up... holy shit... girls are xbox controllers...

- Just in case you don't know how to kiss (or even think you do) you should read this post i did about kissing.. LINK HERE

- I think people that have an obsession with hello kitty need to grow up already... seriously... seriously..

- I almost took keshas advice on glitter making everything pretty.. but then i also almost shot my face off with a sawed off shot gun because I CANT BELIEVE I ALMOST BELIEVED THAT DRUNK HOOKER...

- You want to be different then you better be cultured. You gotta be interested in things that makes people tilt their head. Sometimes this can be easy just because of your line of work, or harder if you are always home and don't really do anything at all..

- Its amazing the things you can get away with when you offer a blow job.

- I wish I had the ability to talk myself out of anything. Unfortunately the only time I can do that is when I am telling the truth, and I really need to talk myself out of something. I was a terrible student in bullshitting101... 

- You will not get anywhere by scolding someone all day long and never praising them. You will make them afraid of you, and subsequently doubting themselves. You want a better work facility? work with praise and change.

- Dear Starbucks kid that always gives me free coffee, You make me laugh and feel very uncomfortable when waiting for my coffee, but I suppose its worth it.

- P.s if you work at starbucks, give a helping hand and give free coffee to those people in scrubs.. we are just as important as police officers...

- Believe it or not I suffer from extreme social anxiety. You'd never know because when it boils down to the actual situation, I'm a fuckin boss. Its just the few minutes before entering that makes me want to vomit and run. Its a lot like saying speeches. You get nervous walking up to the podium but once you are there and talking, its not so bad.. unless you really suck at giving speeches, then this metaphor doesn't apply to you..

- Heyyy you know what I love? sending text messages and never getting a reply back.. that fucking rocks! That's what I want for Christmas... unreplied text messages..

- "Im ignoring you because I have a girlfriend and I also have feelings for you" heh... You are a douche. If you ever say this.. ever... you don't deserve to have a girlfriend. This applies to girls as well.. 

- Unexpected change scares the shit out of me. Literally, when a rug is torn from underneath me I almost automatically want to grab it and put it back under my feet. Which means I almost always panic, and do something completely stupid as a result.

- I wish my super hero power was to change moods. Instead my super hero power is to feel exactly what someone else is feeling with out even asking. Which totally blows if you are constantly around sad or angry people. Oh yeah.. I'm a super hero.. You didn't know? WELL NOW YOU KNOW.

- Everyone wants feedback from anything. Its part of human nature to have a tug and pull relationship. So stop being so stingy with feedback assholes.

- Ask me what its like to have myself so figured out... I wish I knew...

- When did being the crazy cat person all of a sudden become the hipster thing to do. People are using the Internet just for cats. My pussy is still better than yours.


- Girls wish they could trade penis pictures like baseball cards.

- If I had the time, I would make GIFs of all the infomercials that display how incompetent people are with out using the product they are selling. If you have the time and ability to do this, please send me the link and I will credit you.

- "You are like a child, and that is kind of refreshing"

- Not cool to be afraid of insects if you have a penis. Even if you are, keep that shit on the DL.

- If you can't orgasm at the sound of hearing someone get off, something is wrong with you! 

- There is something very sexy about a guy holding his ground when he is being threatened or feels threatened.

- I have a question that is pretty hard for me to answer. If you are "talking/getting to know" someone and lets say you guys like each other but aren't officially dating. If that other person goes off and fucks another person are you allowed to be upset? I hate a "yes and no" answer but a small part of me thinks if its not official, its fair game but then there is a way bigger part that says "if you like someone, then there should be nobody else" Thoughts? 


- FYI I'm not the type of person that would fuck someone else while I'm talking to someone... and that can be taken in a literal and non literal way because I don't even think about another dude in a romantic matter if I like someone and I definitely cant hold a conversation with someone else while I'm having sex...

- How does one explain to their grandma that they just TALK about sex, and don't actually fuck around?

- Here is how much I hate Monday. I had nightmares about it... That's rough. I actually dread Monday so much that on Sunday, I almost always have a wave of panic come over me.

- Are there middle fingers somewhere on the Internet that I can give as Christmas gifts anonymously to people I hate?

- That person who gives you advice about stuff that you already know how to handle, you will be getting a middle finger from me this year.

- "I think people who have mustaches are automatically creepers and people who own rape vans, and I for one, do NOT want to be a creeper... so I will not be having a curly mustache ever..."

- A girl calls you to tell you she had a bad dream, no matter how stupid it sounds, just tell her "every things okay, it was just a dream" That's all we want.

- "I'm not fucked up, I'm just racial profiling"

- Those people that say you are Gothic because you wear black or listen to indie music? They will also be receiving a middle finger for Christmas.


  1. First, -___- I now feel I should have been raped as a child because curly ended mustaches are my favorite - but that couls also just be me being Mexican . . .

    Second, "If that other person goes off and fucks another person are you allowed to be upset?"
    If it was never made official and you had the "I don't want anything serious/ I need time" conversation -you shouldn't be getting mad, because you HAVE been warned.

    If it was never made official and you have NOT had the "I don't want anything serious/ I need time" conversations then HELL YEAH the other person is just being a shady inconsiderate whore.

    I had a friend who used to say "Whatever it's not their business I shouldn't have to tell them anything" and yes, she was a shady inconsiderate whore.

  2. First off, this post was awesome. I must have laughed, agreed and laughed while agreeing the whole way down.

    Secondly, fucking someone while talking to another person you like is total bullshit. It's a clear sign that sex is that person's only goal. Why else would you fuck up the chance of being with someone worth being with?