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Monday, December 19, 2011

hey now




- It is no where NEAR my fault that you are running late. You live in Miami. YOU KNOW HOW BAD TRAFFIC IS HERE. Showing up even 5 minutes after your appointment is the equivalent to a spit in the face. No I can't reschedule you, its the holidays, and your late... you don't get special privileges, I don't give a fuck if you are my friend or not. Here is how you can guesstimate your time, if map quest says its going to take you 20 minutes to get to your destination and its anywhere between 7-10am or 3-7pm then you should double your time and add 10 minutes. Even if you get there (which you wont) 30 minutes early, the point is, YOUR EARLY not late. Early people are still considered punctual, late people are considered assholes.

- don't get me wrong I like taking naked pictures, but for totally different reasons. I think people who constantly post naked pictures of themselves are looking for attention because they didn't get enough of it as a child.

- I can't stand when people tell me "I'll call you right back" and they don't. Its just, I really stick to peoples word, and when you do that it means I can no longer take your word for anything. It sounds so minuscule, but if you can't do a simple task like calling me back, then I guess I can't rely on you for more meaningful tasks like remembering a birth date. You could just say "I'll call you later" or "Ill call you" even. Don't tell me "I'll call you RIGHT back" that makes it sound like in the next 5 minutes I'm going to get a phone call.

- There will always be someone who is critiquing your work, because there is always room for improvement. So don't always feel insulted when someone says something bad. about 90% of the time is because they are jealous anyways.


- If you are going to bother putting up Christmas lights this year, at least put effort in it. I have never seen so many half ass done Christmas lights in my life. Jesus. You can't just cover your front yard with blow up ornaments, YOU LOOK LIKE A LAZY ASS, and tacky.

- If all woman ovulate roughly around the same time do tampon/pad companies make more money during a certain part of the month? I think it would be weird to work for the company and be like "look at this bob... Its that time of the month" heh...

- I want to know why every ones first response to "why did you fuck with out a condom" is "Shes on birth control". You need to understand that a baby is not going to be the worst thing to ever happen to you, there are diseases out there that WILL NOT go away. "But she looks clean" is not a good enough reason to stick your dick in something. Alright, so your telling me that if there is a cave that is notorious for killing people, your gonna walk right up on in there because its a beautiful day outside? if you say yes then you deserve to die.

- Aww that's so cute I remember when I had my first beer.


- I found out why girls are crazy. Its because they haven't spent enough time alone to settle themselves. Girls are known for being needy creatures, and because of that we become impatient with waiting after we get out of a relationship. Which means that we drag (sometimes unknowingly) baggage on to the next dude. That causes for problems (sometimes) for the next relationship. So when you find yourself doing any comparing or stalking... you have officially entered this relationship too soon. Is it a bad thing? not always, but be aware that a new person doesn't mean "same problems" its supposed to be "new" not "reoccurring" remember?

- Being needy is not always a bad thing as long as its in moderation. Sometimes I just want to be held and touched and I don't think that's very much for me to ask for thank you very much.

- I would totally let a dude hit me just so I can put him jail. For good reason though, I'm not just going to walk up to a random dude and say "HIT ME MOTHER FUCKER" He has to have done something worth being hit for, like fucking with a friend or something.



- I would totally punch back by the way, I know where it hurts... and trust me... I'll make it hurt.

- A good rule to go by is no sex until you are are actually in a relationship or its AT LEAST the 5th date. Although you think it might be a good idea to blow some dude you are really into, weirdly enough, subconsciously that can usually fuck shit up. No matter how good you are in bed.


- I just thought you should know... FX has the movies...

- You should always read the fine print on anything.

- Your interview process should be on top of its game because you can quickly figure someone out with few questions. Does this always work? no, because there are people (few few people) that are fantastic liars, but there is nothing you can do about that and the likeliness of you meeting that person is about 8%. When you break up with someone, ask yourself "could I have caught this early on?" If you couldeve, you need to step up your interview game.



- Someone said to me "I ask out 1-2 girls out daily for the last 2 months, what is the deal? why haven't I got any catches?" The whole point of fishing is patience. Do your chances of catching a fish increase by fishing everyday? possibly. Maybe your fishing in the same spot or using the same techniques every time and the fish know whats up. Maybe your bait isn't as pleasing as you thought it was. All these things you should factor in, and know that timing is total key right now.

- Question? Could the saying "the bigger the bait, the bigger the fish" be used in this equation? for example "the bigger the dick, the better the girl?"

- Don't pull all the rabbits out of the hat in the beginning. You are already interesting but if you continue to be a little mysterious, girls love that shit.



- If you are the type of person to have a panic attack because the person you like hasn't called you for a few days, don't do the dumb thing of texting the "how come you are ignoring me" text. Instead vent out to a best friend about how frustrated you are. At least then you still seem like a sane person.

- Hard work does pay off, so stop being lazy.

- Trading services is not a bad thing. I would gladly do photos for someone who can do my hair or nails. Sexual favors are out of the question though.



- When ever I buy cigarettes for someone (i don't smoke, that shit is fucking disgusting) I have to tell the cashier " these aren't mine..." for some reason. Its like I think they are judging me or something.

- If someone remembers your first and last name after meeting you only a few times, then you were important enough to remember, and that means something.

- I read people pretty easily, when I meet someone I can feel their ora. You should start being a little more in tune with yourself so you can do the same.

- Some people work really well under pressure. These people are usually procrastinators.

- My eye twitches every time someone uses a word in the wrong context.



- Do guys orgasm faster if they masturbate more then those who don't?

- Are couples more likely to break up before the holidays or after?

- If you don't normally wear deodorant, that's okay. But if you are going to go out in public, the least thing you could do is apply some. It wouldn't hurt. Why? because people who have the nastiest musky armpit smell NEVER seem to notice.. and you could be one of those people... And you DON'T want to be one of those people, trust me.

- In high school, I mastered the art of sleeping in class with out making it look like I was actually sleeping in class.

- Someone says "I don't like animals" then this person has something mentally wrong with them, STAY FAR AWAY FROM THESE PEOPLE.

- Moisturize your feet at night. Why? Because soft feet feel better then hard feet. When I'm laying next to you, rubbing my whole body against you, and your eagle claw feet brush up against my legs and claw me to death... I'm going to be kind of upset.

- Humans are VERY animalistic. We want to claim territory, we flair up when threatened and defend what is ours even if the odds are against us.

- We want to claim something as a natural instinct to start a pack and when someone or something comes in between that we want to fight.

- Natural selection comes into play as well. We choose a mate that best suits out life style. For example it is unlikely for an artist to get along with someone who is very practical. An artist is going to want someone who can challenge them mentally.

- Do opposites attract? sure, but to a certain extent. There is a balance when it comes to that. If someone is completely opposite with no common ground at all, then there is no way that shit is going to work.

- Sexual chemistry is important but not more important than mental chemistry. Mental chemistry is important but so is sexual chemistry, if either one is missing, that could cause serious problems.

- If you keep failing with your relationships, something is up. Either your interview process is fucked or your doing something wrong in the relationship. Maybe you weren't exactly the cause, but at least pretend you where and change what you think needed to be changed.

- Cheating is wrong, and in my opinion, a mortal relationship sin, but that's MY book. Maybe there are people out there that think cheating is alright, and aren't quite down for monogamy. Which is exactly why you need to make sure that you both are down for the "non-cheating" type of relationship. Unless you are in fact one of those people that enjoy having multiple partners, then you should also make that obvious by clearly stating that's what you are into. Don't try surprising me with that bullshit. I wouldn't ever try sticking a fucking banana in your ass in the middle of the night after we have been dating for a few months and tell you "surprise! I'm really into this type of shit" that would be wrong, very very wrong.

- There is something so fucking sexy about a man putting something together.

- Every girl in this world has always wanted a pair of diamond earrings. Don't fucking deny it.

- Make a list of all the things you want to do with your b/f or g/f. Whether its sexual or not it keeps things interesting. Don't be afraid to explore assholes, you have one life.... live it. I wasn't literally speaking btw, don't literally go exploring assholes... that's.. really fucked up.

- Bragging about your sexual experiences when it wasn't asked doesn't validate anything. It just makes you look like a dirty cum rag, which is not a very good thing to look like.

- Would you rather a a girl with an athletic body but an ugly face or a chubby girl with a cute ass face? Be honest... seriously.

- Gay people make me feel so gay inside.

- It is totally okay to feel scared of any sort of long term commitment but that doesn't mean you SHOULDN'T do it. That just means you are reacting accordingly.

- I have a notion that cellphone companies will knowingly fuck your phone up when its time for an upgrade or your contract is about to be up. I just find it to be a little coincidental that when my phone starts to be a giant prick is right around the time I need to renew my contract... I see what your doing t-mobile.. and you can fucking suck it.

- People panic during abrupt changes. Its the same concept when you block an ants path? they sort of freak out for a few seconds? and then eventually find a way around it.



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