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Monday, February 27, 2012

Bad girls do it well

- Never... EVER stick your barbie in the dryer.

- I think if more people were morning people there would be less assholes Monday morning.

- Every girl should masturbate the night before anything. In the morning you always wake up with Rosy cheeks.. and that shit is cute

- "Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes they win"

- If you are interested in someone, you ask questions. If you are NOT interested in someone, you don't.

- I know last post I said no one gives a shit about your past but what I really meant was anyone that cares deeply about you will ask. If they don't, its cause they don't really care to know

- Here is what I don't understand... Zombies apparently are created by being bit right?  So is it directly through saliva only? cause every zombie film I've ever seen all of the main characters are covered in blood (zombie blood) and I know from a medical stand point that you can get infected with some viruses if they come into contact with your eyes, mouth or genitals. So if I get splattered with zombie blood, and it gets in my eyes... I should be infected. I just call a little bullshit in most zombie movies UNLESS it is actually only transmitted with saliva /rant. 

P.s bet I will be the only one wearing goggles and a face mask. Protect yourself.

- If your friend is drinking and they all of a sudden become the complete opposite of who they naturally are, they have officially had too much to drink.

- Every time someone I hate posts a status update about anything I almost instantly have a bridesmaid moment:

- It takes me about 30 minutes to get ready if I am not interrupted by phone calls or texts. So when I hear that it takes girls like an hour and a half to get ready I just wonder how much fake they are putting on. If you take more than 35 minutes to get ready you are not using your time wisely.

- Is it really necessary to put eyelashes on your cars headlights? You look ridiculous. Stop.

- Personally I like passionate sex more then your average fuck. That means you actually have a strong/deep connection with the person you are about to sex. It just feels better when there is something else behind it rather than just 2 people who are attracted to each other, one has a penis and one has a vagina.

- Don't ever let anyone make you feel anything less than perfect.

- Most of the time I will help out the people I hate most because I like to avoid drama. I'm just not in high school anymore

- Speaking of high school and drama, did anyone see last nights walking dead episode? Seriously guys? You are in the middle of a zombie Apocalypse and you are still fighting over pussy! at a school none the less.

- BLOW JOB ADVICE: Next time you are blowing someone use both hands while your mouth is sucking on the tip of his penis. Rotate your hands as you are stroking him. That shit is like master chief status right there. Yes... I just referenced call of duty and blow jobs in one sitting.

- I do realize that not everyone will handle situations the way I do (which is the right way) but my conflicts lies in the fact that I am able to handle it, which means so can you... so whats the problem? srsly.

- You will learn that everything you will ever have in your life becomes obsolete.

- I can't look at hot dude directly in the face. Its like I'm afraid I'm going to turn to stone or some shit.

- Lets not drag me around like I'm some neat accessory Kay?  I like to be important all the time, not just sometimes when you are feeling flashy.

- Dear Florida,
Fuck you.
sincerely, Me.

- I wash my hair everyday, sometimes twice a day and my hair is the fucking bomb. All that bullshit about not to wash your hair too much really relies on your genes and honestly, Dirty hair smells like sweat and... burnt hair which is totally gross.

- This weekend was the first time I ever had to fight with a gay dude on who could talk to nerdy guys better. It was very entertaining.

- If you're a dude, the only thing you should worry about shaving is your crotch. None of this legs and arms shit okay? I do that, not you. and if you absolutely must, I GUESS you can shave your face. 

- I had way too much caffeine this morning that at one point I felt like I had super speed. All I could think is "Wow... so this is what a super hero feels like"

- There is NOTHING more sexy than a dude taking care of a baby. It ironically enough makes me horny. Which I should feel gross about... but I don't.

- When a girl is texting someone while you are talking to her.. shes just not interested dude. Typical "get the fuck away from me" move.

- I stutter when I'm nervous, its like I involuntarily become a toddler that doesn't know how to speak correctly.

- People who think that perfectly natural/normal things are gross piss me off. Get off it dude, so I drool in my sleep sometimes... I just so happen to think that's cute...

- Ever notice when someone hits your car the first thing you think is "Did someone just hit me?" its like, fucking duh, what else would have done that? a rocket? Some lady hit me in a parking lot once and when it happened, no joke I though for a split second that a T-rex nudged  my car. Yeah...

- I don't know about you but the last thing I want is to ruin someones day. I think other people should feel the same.. I know you don't but I'm just saying you should.. cause that's a nice gesture and nice gestures get you places.

- I spend most of my time in the shower reenacting things I should've/will say in fights with people I hate. It's very hateful showering process. I also do math on my shower doors. So it's actually like a hateful mathematical shower. 

- A client came in today and told me a story about her daughter. I just wanted to share it with you.
"My daughter is about a year and a half and shes been getting into everything. Recently I walked into her room to find her covered in this brown stuff. I was all over her face. "What happened baby?" I asked her. She replied with "I show you mommy" So she took my hand and took me to my room. There was this brown dusk all over the floor. "What the heck happened?" I asked her. She looked at me and said "Mommy I show you" she took me to my side of the bed and there was my father urn on the floor opened. Then I realized my daughter ate part of my father, she ate his ashes."

- I just want to let this out. Stop asking people to repost shit on facebook. Facebook has become the garbage disposal of everyone's shit.

- Or when they post some 5 paragraph essay on something no one agrees with, and then gets pissed when people comment?

Good tunes
- Sometimes I think I am just waiting for someone to give me a reason to leave.

- "You're not gonna get anywhere with a mouth like that"
Yes I will... 

- "I see a dude with nice arms and I almost instantly want to fuck him." point being that not all girls look for a cute dudes... some girls just look for cute body parts and that shit is legit. 

- You want something? you can't expect people to figure that out if you don't say anything. Go get it dude. You deserve at least that much. 

- I had a 47 year old woman tell me today "I've accomplished nothing in my life but marry the man of my dreams" She said it like it was a bad thing. I told her "Some people will never get to have that, ever."


  1. Yeah I thought the same fucking thing while watching the walking dead... how are you covered in zombie blood after getting your eye gashed open and you're just fine?! Suck a dick. Master chief style. And, agreed as far as passionate sex goes... gotta have that energy - not just rubbing skin together. Lol... and, I have the same conversations in the shower!

  2. Call of Duty *** Halo.