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Monday, March 26, 2012

We don't wait till the sun comes up...

- If shit hasn't hit the fan, it isn't officially a Monday yet.

- The reason why you haven't found a decent guy is because you fuck him the first day you meet him

- I don't know if I'm jealous or genuinely upset/sad that some of my friends grew apart from me..

- I don't think anyone wants to lose someone that has been around for more than 3 years, change sucks sometimes but its necessary for moving on to the next level.

- People say "anything is possible" but that is so depending on what you want. I don't think its possible to bring someone back from the dead, or travel back in time. That's like trying to convince me unicorns are real.

Don't know how true this actually but lets stop all the hatin' and start more anticipating fellas... 

- If you spend most of your time arguing with your significant other you are officially in an emotionally abusive relationship. 

- If your significant other does anything physically aggressive that is not asked to be done by you personally, then you are officially in an abusive relationship. 

- If you picture pushing your significant others face into the dash board or anything of the sort, you probably don't have the healthiest relationship....

- I've kinda always wanted to be best friends with a dude that later on down the road realized how awesome I am and then did this epic 80's movie "win her over" scene. I think a lot of this has to do with the movies I watch...

- Why is it my toaster never accurately toasts toast? It's either too burnt or not toasted enough

- I don't like my sweet tea to be too sweet, who ever makes it too sweet, has a sugar addiction and needs to see a Doctor. There is officially more sugar than tea in this cup.. and that's not what tea is about...

- I think everyone changes after you get out of a relationship but there are two things you have to remember.
1. The change must always be for the better, never for worse.
2. You must never forget your foundation as a person.

- When ever I get asked "why are you still single?" I always reply with "I live in Miami" 

- Has anyone ever answered that question too honestly? 
"Probably because I'm fucking nuts"
"Maybe because I eat people..."

- Hi my name is Emily and I still ask for star wars toys for my birthday and Christmas..

- I think if you have a penis, it deprives you of vivid dreams. Every time I tell a guy about the dream I had, they look at me like I'm full of shit or crazy... Yeah.. I have dreams I can clearly remember, that are too much like real life... 

- Also, How come I can't ever tell that I'm in a dream? I know dragons don't fucking exist... yet there one is, talking to me... in my dream... shouldn't I know better? 

- I hope that you all know that having a particular kind of guy/girl that you usually go for isn't really the healthiest approach at trying to find someone.

- Every Guy/girl like to flash their attributes. It's a lot like what a peacock does with its feathers.. 

- Has anyone ever said "The book was SO much worse than the movie..."?

- How come you can't get rid of spam mail? I've tried being nice by sending a polite email like "Please stop sending me e-mails.. I don't need to meet new black people" and I've tried a more aggressive approach like "I DON'T HAVE A GOD DAMN PENIS, THEREFOR I DON'T NEED THESE PENIS ENLARGEMENT SUPPLEMENTS!" nothing fucking works... 

- Never... Ever.... Join eharmony or any dating website for that matter. 

Any dating website is the meeting grounds for rapists, escaped convicts and people with fetishes that are too weird to be told face to face. Want to know how I know? 99% of the time they will have you fill out the most rigorous questionnaire.. and no real cheater, liar, crazy person is going to be "truthful" on that shit.. Why? because normal people don't date cheaters, liars and crazy people on purpose... They do it after they someone has completely taken over, and they are too scared to realize that.

- Maybe I did "try" one out and "maybe" that means I'm a rapist/escaped convict/furry lover OR maybe that just means I'll try anything once, and I most definitely wont ever do that again... 

- Don't let whats slowly killing you inside consume you. 

- That most glorious moment when you can CLEARLY see someone singing to themselves... and you know no one ever looks good when they are singing to themselves... 

- A red light should flash when someone says "the hulk is my favorite super hero" Question those fuckers seriously. Smart people will know what I mean by this.. This is not the type of thing you want to over look because it makes them "different" this is kind of different you don't want to be attracted to.. 

- If you haven't already figured out how to figure a person out by the many steps I've listed in these, some hundred posts, here is another key thing. 
If someone is an aggressive kisser (and not in the good way) they are most likely a pushy person.
If someone is a tease, softly, but a good kisser none the less, they are most likely an interesting soft person.
If someone likes to use too much tongue they know nothing about life at all.
If someone is all about biting, they are usually a flashy type of person.
Bet me I'm wrong.

- There is nothing wrong with having someone as your "rock" or "crutch" but don't abuse them because you think they can handle it... It doesn't mean they can't, it just means you should be more considerate. 


- I saw a store manager be a complete fucking dick to someone today at this market I go to for lunch. If it wasn't for the fact he was a client of ours, I would've tapped him on the shoulder and told him to apologize, way old school .. then I would've told him to sit in a corner for 5 minutes till he learned his lesson. 

- Imagine if I really did that though.... 

- I don't agree with arguing or yelling out bad names because you're angry for what ever reason at your significant other, but if you are going to insult someone, specifically a girl... don't use the same fucking words everyone uses like "bitch" or cunt" Use something clever like "Cum rag"

why? because of 2 reasons. 
1. It's going to catch me off guard that you were that clever to come up with something that is still a terrible insult. 
2. There is no way I'll be able to come up with something in that short amount of time that will be equally as great...

- Never call a girl a "cum rag" unless she is, in fact, a cum rag. 

- To all the people who knowingly walk into a facility that is closing in literally 10 seconds to dick around and ask questions, the answer is "YES, we fucking hate you" and you should be sorry for being this fucking stupid. 

- I know you're driving a fire truck and everything but that doesn't mean you have to be a dick about it. Firemen (although attractive in their uniform) have the most pompous attitudes about shit. I hear you and if I could, I would fly over the cars in front of me, but I can't so stop being obnoxious.

- You want to make your girl feel like a million dollars? Tell her she's the best you've ever had... Even if it ain't true, that shit is like unleashing a very sexual dragon...

- Solo, I'm a soloist on a solo list. All live, never on a floppy disk... 

1 comment:

  1. I love reading these. You are amazing.