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Monday, March 12, 2012

when the sun comes up, you will realize you were wrong..


- When you are in a relationship... Your mouth is not allowed on other people.. unless its to resuscitate them.

- Every dude wants the answer to the question "Did you just swallow it?" to be "Yeah, what else was I gonna do with it?"

- If you have to BEG a girl to come over, You're trying too hard dude.

- Here is a dudes equation to getting a girl to sleep with them, or at least get some sort of action

Make out sesh: 10 seconds
Boobie fondle: 10 seconds
Vaginal rub: If she's enjoying it, green light.

First off, this isn't fucking science alright. I have a body here... with feelings... I realize that these steps have to go in this order because it would be just weird if a guy came up to me and was just randomly fondling my tits... but it is literally the same fucking thing every time. You can't just play with me like I'm some sort of toy you gotta piece together. Alright? I come with instructions... read them first.


- By the same token, If you have a girl begging to come over... you're doing it right dude.

- Some people don't like hearing that they are big pieces of shit, but that's what you get for being a big piece of shit.

- Cheaters are not tolerated here, they just aren't.

- Some people hate change so much they will cancel their gym membership.

- Learn to get really good at giving people a taste of their own medicine with out coming off as a bitch while doing it.



-  What possesses people to publicly talk about their decision to have an on and off relationship with their anti-depressants?

- I think I'm not getting through to my friends about what type of dude I like cause every time they say "I know the perfect guy for you" I'm usually really confused.

- 2 months is entirely too long to wait to shave.

- Here is how hateful people are in Miami. I witnessed a professional bicyclist fall off their bike at a red light (why? I don't know) and when they fell the light turned green and the SUV behind them honked their horn...



- "No but seriously, korn helped me get through some legit rough patches"

- Question: If I like vintage porn does that make me a hipster?

- Internet Explore is desperate... they tried using a dubstep track in their campaign commercial... No Microsoft.... just no.

- If you really think about it guys, if AOL tried pulling that shit you think people would starting using it again?


- Thank you AMC

- I am strangely turned on by oddly shaped penises.. I'm not saying your average penis isn't good enough, I'm just simply stating a personal fact.

- Okay really, seriously ask yourself this...
What if Jesus was someone from the future?
Mind fuck.

- It's bad some of the images that flash in my head when someone does something stupid.


- I spent a good deal of my childhood trying to attract boys by being into legos, baseball and being really involved in goose bumps. I know that sounds like I should be someone interesting but... I'm kind of boring... and if I'M kind of boring... imagine the rest of the vagina out there...

- Hey my name is Emily and I don't want your boyfriend.

- Sometimes, at random relevant times of my day, I will hear obi wan kenobi in my head. I know its just cause I've seen a new hope like a million times but there is also a part of me that just thinks its the force inside me... and yes... it is strong.



- You never want to delete your proof. Even though it's hard to wait to catch someone in a lie, if you can hold out till you have perfect, solid proof your validation will be that much sweeter thus leaving you victorious.

- You also never want to have that one open door that a professional liar can open. Most professional liars can talk their way out of anything, and make it seem like you were the one that fucked up some how. Cover all bases people. Cause professional liars are out there, and you will almost never find them out if you aren't smart enough.

- When did I start following Jay-Z on twitter?

- I don't think I've ever once been to a movie theater that didn't have at least one loud obnoxious dick.

- Question: how is Nicolas cage still making movies?

- I don't think losing someone that clearly isn't worth another second of your time isn't the worst thing that could ever happen to you


- Everyone comes with a 6th sense. Some are more in tuned with it than others. This is that hair raising feeling you get that something isn't right. Never, Ignore that.

- There is a "self portrait" picture limit that I don't think anyone knows about. It's in the rule book of posting pictures. Your limit is a max of 3 photos a day. If you post more than that you are just a moron and need to start being a little more productive with your time.

- This is of course its because you are showing off some new item or piece of clothing.

- My accurate critique on the new movie "silent house"?
Cinematography was orgasmic. Not for most people who don't understand the use of dept of field.

Question, if it sounded like your dad fell down a flight of stairs would you hesitate for about 15 minutes? Yeah... I didn't think so...  I know it would be boring as fuck but imagine a horror movie that did everything right...

- I wonder what people think when they hear someone say "I don't have a tumblr cause its too trendy" cause I'm thinking "Doesn't that kind of make you trendy for not having one?"

- Also, next time you find yourself bored as shit on all the "trendy" websites take it home and check your local Craigslist ads, you will NOT be disappointed...









Yeah.... these people are out there... scary right? 

2 comments:

  1. Emily, big fan. Have to point out one little thing. Your*
    "- When you are in a relationship... You're mouth is not allowed on other people.. unless its to resuscitate them."

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sorry dude, YOU'RE wrong. You're is a conjunction of you and are. It's not possessive.

    ReplyDelete