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Monday, April 2, 2012

Is there a ghost in my house?




- Was it not completely shady that facebook tricked you into that lame ass layout? Always trying to make me conform and shit... Fuck you facebook... fuck you really hard.



- Missionary sex is the first and foremost sex position you MUST try when first copulating. ESPECIALLY if you have a small penis. You and I both know that a circus act is not going to work this first time. That takes weeks of practice okay? You don't just try a cheat code on your first mission!? You play the game a bit, then you hack the system.

- If you have to hire someone to tell you, you're doing a bad job.. then you're officially a moron, get out of my face.

- Don't avoid change. I feel like cringing when I feel it coming along but you will realize it's not half as bad as you thought it was going to be.

- Every single girl you ever date ever... is damaged in some way, shape or form. In her mind, her experience, no matter how small or insignificant, is the worst ever on this planet (even worse than yours). Dudes, you need to face this now... because that perfect girl you want doesn't exist. I mean she does, but not with out some... sort... of female imperfection to go along with it. Didn't your mother ever tell you "nothings perfect"? well she was right. Prepare yourself, and by prepare I mean just understand that woman are really hard to deal with, especially the pretty ones..

- Ladies, seriously build a bridge and get over it. So your husband left you for another man right after you had his baby... fuck cares? you're still alive and well! stop being so God damned conniving all the time, life isn't about that.

- P.S...Karma exists.. and she's a mother fucking bitch. 

- You know what turns me off? someone who tries too hard. It just does. I think it's because it's so easy to see sometimes it almost makes me want to vomit. So you know a band, wow... impressive.. Is that supposed to make me want to fuck you now? cause it's not fucking working.. which says something, because I literally want to fuck all the time.

- How about when someone is interested in you but it's completely obvious neither of you have a single thing in common, yet they still continue to try and pursue something with you?... I gotta say dude, that takes some serious balls, but not the kind I want...

- If they cheat on them with you, then they will cheat on you with someone else... I can't make this shit up people... even if I tried.



- Stay in the dark before you start talking to people about personal issues. If you stand back for a bit you can see how other people handle situations. You don't want to be the person that finally opens up about a personal problem only to find out who ever you are confiding in is either an asshole or has no idea what they are talking about.

- No one has a single clue about what is going on. Ever, at any point in life...

- The most important thing, is that they are breathing...

- It is possible for people to give up. It happens when someone can no longer take the amount of bullshit going on. It means that the amount of bullshit has gotten so large that they, themselves are suffocating because of someone else's large mound of bullshit.. and lets face it, that's not very fair is it?



- Anyone who takes a job at a mall kiosk is desperate as fuck.

- I think people who stick their hands in cages to pet animals that they don't personally know deserve to get bit.. I'm just saying... that's like leaning on a hot stove to reach for food... 

- You know that person that's in your life that you know it's better to just stay quiet than prove a point? Even though you know what they said is total fucking bullshit, you would just rather nod despite their ridiculous comment? THAT BOTHERS THE SHIT OUT OF ME THAT THESE PEOPLE EXIST.

- I hate when people stare at me like I have some sort of mental problem when I tell them what I do on my time off. It could be worse, I could be addicted to heroin or titty bars... 



- A person's favorite part about Monday is when you walk out of work...

- I think one of the most embarrassing things that's ever happened to me has to be when I called a hot dudes kid a girl, when it was a boy... I'll just keep walking... This never happened... you don't know me...

- Personally, not that it matters, but I am sadly prone to embarrassing moments like this one above...

- I had a dream about Justin Timberlake. He was a terrible kisser and a cock tease.

- I'm not gonna lie. I never take a dude seriously when he says he's great with oral sex. Just like I never take a dude seriously when he says hes got a huge cock. Why? because I've never once in my 25 years of life ever actually said "Holy shit... you were right"

- Why do I need to know how good you are anyways? You don't see me braggin about my blow job abilities.. I don't brag about shit that needs action to justify it. It either just is, or just isn't. 

- Also, everyone knows that any dude that says "Fuck yeah its big" means its either average or disappointing.. and neither of those = big...

- Also "BIG" is so 2010... now it's all about how you work it...


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