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Sunday, July 8, 2012

Maybe tomorrow will come

I don't know if this will help or not but I'm going to pretend like it might and see what happens…

Ive never been good at saying what i feel but when I write it all seems just to come right into place…

People always ask me why I'm so good with advice, how I could possibly know so much with only having (what seems like) little experience.

I'm not sharing this story, my story to be exact, with you so you can feel sorry for me. It's just so you can get an understanding of who I am and what you are dealing with.

My childhood will have to be saved for another place in time as that story is another one in its self…

i wasn't allowed to have boyfriends till high school. Even when I did, we couldn't hang out in my room we had to leave the door open and sit at arms length. Which sounds so weird now given the circumstances. i started dating boyfriend #1 who I met through a friend that would soon after die in a car accident. Boyfriend #1 was the first guy to ever see me and enjoy it. For a long time I thought I was really ugly and not worthy of any one really. Which is the worst thing a girl at that age can feel. I had everything backwards.. even myself. I bent over so far backwards for this guy.

"No one's ever going to love you Emily."
"YES THEY WILL!" i would scream in my head. Maybe he could read my mind, maybe…

all the pushing, hitting… all the fighting and all the mean things that were said to just beat my self esteem into a bloody pulp. 4 years of abuse… 4 years of my great years in high school…

Even so, through the negative there was positive…. I know God exists because of him…

I'll explain why… Boyfriend #1 was very into the local scene, hanging out with a lot of bands that dispersed through the time…

"Emily… I know its weird to hear from me… but… I'm giving him an ultimatum to tell you the truth, about everything.. and if he doesn't? I will, by midnight tonight.."

His friend held no ties with me.. in fact I had only met him outside of school and knowing him to date a close friend of mine, other than that.. he was that guy that played guitar for that band… who's friends with my boyfriend….

panic set in..

it was already 3 years at this point and though I was smart enough to know that he was not faithful to me I ignored a lot just because of those words "You'll never have anyone but me"

I did believe his friend over him because his friend didn't have to tell me what was going on, yet… he saw how wrong it was…

friendship is a hard thing to break for a stranger.

That night I waited, I did get a lot of begging to not pick up his friends call but.. no coming clean, no truth...

"I'm really sorry i have to be the one to tell you this, the truth is.. I don't know you.. but I know that if it were me… I would want to know…"

Kevin went through the list of girls in detail that my boyfriend had cheated on me with numerous of times that night. I cried the whole time. 15 girls. 15?! :sigh:

I can't imagine what it must eve been like for him to have to sit through a stranger crying… sitting with anyone while they are crying is excruciating enough…

i went through a "fixing" phase where I needed to know for sure he could not change.. and after finding a mysterious letter in my sink (till this day no one knows how it got there) and him dating my friend for a short period of time… and also trying to sleep with my best friend I decided to end it.

Dating was a little bit easier after I got my car…

there was Ed who had a girlfriend at the time… but really liked cohered and cambria and also really liked the stars.. and for me to sneak in at night..

but I wasn't good enough for him to leave his g.f

"I'm sorry em, really… I fucked up… She really can't know"

Maybe my ex was right… maybe… those play on words fucked with my head for a really long time.. for a while I even pondered on taking him back…

I met My second boyfriend online actually, he had recently broke up with his girlfriend and we started dating shortly after… He was a religious christian guy which was new to me. So another chapter began. It was different, very different.. This was the first relationship I ever had that had rules of "no sex" not that I had gone around having sex with everyone I dated… In fact boyfriend #1 was really the only guy i slept with up until this point. I respected that about him though, It was a relief to think I didn't have to be put under the pressure of liking myself again.

He was kind… to an extent. Very reserved.

The thing was.. Everyone seems to think that by laying out some red carpet means you will get to the golden gates, but what the fuck happens after you enter? No more red carpet? I mean is this venue even up to date? to code even?

He laid out this great red carpet for me, walked me to the door but once I stepped inside he was different as usual.

then a whole other category of insecurity set in, which to me feels worse then the one before… "Why aren't I good enough??"

I knew what he was capable of giving me as far as physical, emotional contact goes but I never got it unless I pried it out of him with a crow bar.

He even reminded me twice what he was capable of, except he used another girl to show me..

Yes… he cheated on me.

At this point I knew I was good at 2 things… finding shit out and saying good bye.

Jon came along after that.. he actually came along during the break up which really helped clear the fog I was walking in. Unintentionally he made me understand what it feels like to be cared for. It made leaving a lot easier knowing I would get that some day…

A part of me fell for Jon, but Jon was just another Kevin.. another helper.

my father cheated on my mom.. I mean dirty style.. he disappeared… he became someone else entirely. it sent us all through this weird funk.. and ultimately made me think love doesn't exist.. this must be where my collection of horror movies began because romantic anything was out of the question for me.

He eventually came back after losing every penny he saved since I was born on this wench. We grew up and got over it… as always…

I met boyfriend #3 online too.. I think I was looking for a reason to leave florida… I didn't want to be here any more.. i hated it here.. I still do… and I did the most craziest thing Ive ever done. I hopped on a plane to Tennessee and spent the weekend there.

I was pretty sure he wasn't going to like me.. because in my head who would? i mean.. really.. Emily.. you flew over 2 states are you out of your fucking mind? I remember seeing him pull in the drive way and thinking.. "don't you open that door Emily.. you just stay in here… you are safe here" but I did… and to my surprise he even kissed me that night…

My heart was dancing. I could feel it in my chest.. dancing around… making it impossible to sleep. It was even harder to leave that weekend.

I saw him almost every weekend till I made the decision to move out there. I sold my car my father built me, finished school and even bought brand new presents for him and his sister. I was going to have a home.. and this perfect life.. finally..

Tennessee was nice, I love Nashville. I love the weather and people and everything about it. Up until this point he was the most amazing boyfriend I've ever had…

things got weird with in a days period it felt like. Even though his ex was lingering around I trusted him fully as I always do with anyone.

I got a job at a clinic near by and finally started to make friends, I even got a dog.

one night he didn't come home. I was pretty sure he died in an accident or was in a coma in some hospital because snow had just fell and i was hearing about all these accidents..

I waited till the sun came up to hear from him but nothing.. it was so unlike him…

this happened more and more and I became increasingly uncertain of everything… i remember crying in the shower a lot.. tucking the covers over me because it was so cold but being alone in the apartment was the worst. I was such a foreign object there… I had no one.. all of my friends were millions of miles away…

I remember crying a lot.. there was a lot of pain involved with this one…

in the very beginning of may we settled things.. things were actually coming right back to normal when I went to pay my phone bill online. When I noticed his email account was open.

would you believe that at first I told myself I wouldn't look through it? I knew that I was going to see things that upset me..

but i sat there and thought "If there are things in here that are going to hurt me.. then is that really how I want this to be? to be with someone that may or may not say bad things about me? or do bad things behind my back?"

I found 3 conversations, 2 were with coworkers about the amazing sex he had with 2 girls he met at a club recently. and the other was with his ex… who he was so eager to fuck when he got back home.

I sobbed like a child. I curled up in a ball and just cried. The first person I called was my brother.. who immediately hopped on a plane. The second was my boyfriend to tell him not to come home till I left.

imagine putting every single thing you have in a bet. A bet on something you are pretty positive is going to work out.. You even bet your house. Your life even.

Imagine losing the bet.


imagine driving back on your birthday… empty handed… literally.

when I woke up on the floor, because i didn't have a mattress at home, I just cried. Megan, my best friend came in to hug me.

I get over things fast, but a part of me feels that's just because I say that I get over things, like i don't actually get over them for quite some time, but I just get tired of thinking about things…

I get apologies all the time from the same dudes.. at least once a year which helps actually.. that they still think about how fucked up they were…

but I realized what to look for.. and for 3 years I sat back and waited..

boyfriend #4 was… fresh. i say that because he was young and just out of a relationship. everything about him read caution but he assured me that it was alright to cross. He made it so easy to fall in love with him. For weeks I had been trying to push it back, trying to stop myself from being to overly nice and finally when he took care of me when I was sick I just fell apart like ash.

its hard to want something so bad, to finally receive it and then still have to act like its not there…

I thought… i thought it was going to be different.. like a relationship has a formula and man am I good with that formula, but… it just didn't work..

there are a lot of things that have hurt me over the past… but there are 2 that are pretty bad aside from the cheating.

one was a time when I ran up to boyfriend #2 to kiss him and he instantly pushed me off and backed away like I was some disgusting wet dog..

the other was saying "I love you" to someone and never hearing it back when they said they loved you back the first time.

at first you think "This is new.. its new.. its just this time.. he'll say it back next time…" but when you don't hear it back.. its like… that feeling of worthlessness sets in.. and you feel like you are on stage forgetting your lines and every ones just waiting to laugh.

I have to hear my friends tell me how great of a catch I am yet.. I was never great enough for these guys.. its a good thing too for most of them because I have had my fair share of crazy and dickery

I have never in my life felt comfortable enough to be myself around someone. Boyfriend #4 allowed me to feel that which is also apart of the reason I think I fell quickly.

In real life I'm not calm or collected. I say a lot of gibberish and make really funny faces. I talk a storm with description that makes no sense to anyone but myself. I just feel like that part of me needs to come out slowly or someones going to head for the hills.

the hardest part about this was having some sort of savior in my dreams.. to not have nightmares, oh my god.. it was such a freeing feeling. and to feel safe…

Being the person that helps someone else get over someone else is a rebound and that feeling also sucks really hard. only because I know I am NOT just someone.. I am Emily... you know? 


3 comments:

  1. great read emily +1

    - rick rentas

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  2. Thank you for sharing so much about yourself!
    I hope you know you are an amazing person and a super witty one at that!

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  3. I think life and relationships consists of strewn out rebounds. sometimes so much time lapses that we dont realize the reality... which oftentimes is that we have never fully overcome a situation. life is about creating a series of distractions and we get so good at it that we can neglect to face the issues and really reach inside of ourselves. It's july, you're probably over this prick by now but in the event that you hear a song or pass a donut shop or some shit that reminds you of him, and that little twinge pokes at your stomach, you've gotta acknowledge it. recognize things in the sense that there is an underlying insecurity that makes your relationship issues look like 'roid rage. loads of ppl feel like shit. im not pretty, im not smart, im not funny, whatever. those are the little seeds that some dick planted without your permission (family included). if you could be in a sort of floaty outerspace where nobody's opinion mattered, and then some little cat martian came and asked you what you thought of yourself, what would you say? somehow i think we all know our worth. under all the layers of garbage that people have stacked on us, i think we still know who we are and what we're made of. it's just buried. SO. hold onto the things you love about yourself and be prepared to be let down (because people are inherently selfish). do your part not to be a dick, raise a son someday and teach him to respect women. i wish you well and im sorry you had to go through this.

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